Whatever Happens From Here.

I'm extremely nervous. I know I have to leave, and soon.

For some reason, everything with him feels so perfect. And that pisses me off. It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to like him this much, want to be with him at all, and want to make time for him. This was supposed to be my time to just chill and stop getting hurt. Although he hasn't hurt me, yet, I know that it's going to happen one way or another.

I should've avoided this situation long ago. He is too wonderful.

Tim Hill, I'm sorry for everything.

You were my best friend.

Now, you just look down on me.

Good thing I'm taller.

Austrailian Stick Bugs.

If you think about it, life in the simpler text can be a list of memories and events. Looking back now, my pre-teen years make me want to throw my head back, and laugh so hard that it booms to the ceiling and right back at me. I remember being foolish, naive, headstrong, and ready for anything. But in all honesty, I experienced my pre-teen years a little differently than most girls. My friends from Youth group always giggled about the boys they liked, Jesse McCartney's hair, and the new Disney Channel movies. I remember sitting with them quietly, book tucked under my arm listening intently and wondering what in the world they were talking about. I It all began when I was eleven, when I first laid my eyes on not a

Probably one of the most confusing times of a woman's life that she won't remember are her pre-teen years; young, foolish, struggling to already be grown up. Unfortunately, I've been through this, but dealt with it in a different way. I remember the countless days I woke up in the morning why I am the way I am, and what's my purpose?

Okay.

I established myself. What i've built in my life,

My world is what happens around me. What happens in my time of living that's influencing me right now are my family, friends, school,

How this world impacts my dreams and aspirations is that by going off the college, i will be leaving this world I'm currently in and entering a new one.

No One Else.

I don't think anyone even uses Blogger anymore. They've moved on to Twitter, Tumblr, and other online things that I haven't updated myself with. It's kind of hard to keep up, honestly.

It's the prime time of my senior year and I'm just living it. I am enjoying high school as Senior Class Prez, chilling with my IB buds, staying connected with Fab, and saving time with family as much as I can. I've been worried so much lately about colleges, IB exams, and money. It's just all been a little overhwhelming, but with the help of God and prayer, I know that everything will be okay.

Right now, I like someone. It's there, but not too strong. He's sweet, but every other guy I know is capable of being sweet. I just wish that I didn't have such a cynical view on love, relationships, and boys in general. I told him I liked him last Thursday, and it got awkward over the weekend. Then we saw each other today, and everything seems fine. He just left Skype to go to sleep because his Mum came home. His parents really shelter him.:[ It's really sad that his social life is barred practically, but it'll be okay. You know why? It's because I'm here now! And I'm going to help him out whether I'm here as his friend or the girl that likes him haha. I feel bad because I have to act like I don't like him to make things even and casual, but it's for our own good. I have to think of church, and he has to think of his life. I honestly feel like the worst will happen if we pursue anything together, like disaster is inevitable, but whatever. We agreed the night I told him that I like him that we'd just stay low and now do anything because I don't want anything more as friends at this point and he doens't want to stress me out with all that goes on with me anyway. For a Sophomore, he's pretty mature, but he's still a sophomore hahaha. EW, I'm a COUGAR. Anyways, gotta work on TOK.

Night!

Haha just because.

I LOVE LAUREN.

It's Never Easy.

Hey haha. So I'm at a sleepover where my friends slept on me and I'm the last to go to sleep. I'm just too thankful for them and what God has done for me this week. Crazy crap has been happening to my family and I, I thought I was going suicidal or some random teenager emotions. Honestly, even if they annoy me or lose faith sometimes, I'll never give up on the Fab6 or any friendships I have. What's odd is I know a lot of people and do have a lot of best friends. Its not a bad thing but not necessarily a good thing either. I get close to people. It happens.

Heart: currently liking Beaver, but not looking for a relationship at all. Strictly no commitment and whatsoever. I can't go through it again dude, no joke haha.

Job: trying.

IB HW: starting, ahahahahahahHahahahahahahahaha.

Family: working at it.

Me: loving my life, not really liking myself but I'll cope and manage.:D

Time for bed,
Cow.

On a Thursday Evening.

My junior year is over.
I'm single.
Fab6 is basically reunited.
And I'm job hunting.

It's hard to believe that I'm where I'm at. It's surprising when I think of all the accomplishments I've made. I've been spending so much time with the girls and Justin, it really has been the best beginning of my summer except like two things. Stupid boys, and SAT score. Sighs, whatever.

Senior is about to be cracking dude, NO JOKE.

Summer:

• Make a new friend


• Get a job


• Lose four pounds


• Get my me a 4-PACK of ABS


• Save up to $350


• Set my schedule to finish all my IB stuff on time


• Just relax


• Prepare for college


• Perform as Adult Organist for the first time

Let's get this party started.

I Only Wish.

That whoever I end up with for the rest of my life will be someone who can take care of me. All my life I've had to do things all on my own with guidance from God, parents, and friends. I give so much for people and my community, what I really want in return is something in equal.

I'm tired of being treated wrong and guys' BS. I may be the heartbreaker, but I leave for good reasons; cheat, lies, fakeness, unappreciative, and cruel. It's not my friend's job to be here for me 24/7, if it was, well I wouldn't know because I've never really had that. I haven't given up on my friends yet and I'm very grateful that they haven't given up on me.

If only, if only.
Like road and car, they work together to bring each other to places.
Rumbing wildly, black takes over the trees.
And all that's left is a single beating heart.

It's Surprising.

How I feel so good right now where I am. There used to be days where I'd cry and cry because of a boy, or because I didn't believe in myself. But since I'm such a chameleon, I learn new things everyday and adapt to my surroundings.

Right now I'm with EstherYang, and SandraLee. MarianneRojas left a half hour ago, and I already miss her. We went to my house after EE meeting, ordered Chinese food, Sandra and I ran to FortuneCookieRestaurant to pick it up, then walked back to home with Sandra, then ate yummy food, cleaned, watched Silent Library, baked cake and brownes, Marianne left, and now we're sitting down watching Silent Library still haha. It's days like these that remind me that I'm not so crazy for taking IB because I have some pretty close people in IB who always have my back no matter what. I also feel like the girls needed this breathing as much as I did.

RIGHT NOW I'm currently not really liking anyone except I'm interested in this guy who is someone I used to be with, but unfortunately I don't think he's interested and plus I've never really tried long distance before.

Lately I've been thinking that I should be friends with D, but I don't think he'd want to. He's the kind to hold grudges and put on greaze mode for as long as he wants. Maybe I should have a darker side to keep up with that, but I really don't care. It really hurts that he won't tell me why he left, but I've just got to accept it. I'm not made for relationships in this time of my life. As much as I love having someone there to call Sweetie, talk all night, and chill whenever we want, that's what I got family and friends for, for now. Hahha.

I feel like running. I feel like laughng. I feel like just gong around the world! I love what I'm doing in my life right now, it's so crazy. What's been kind of weird is all of the people who are down around me. Not only are my IB buds getting down, but my other friends are really not believing in themselves and want to reach the end of their line. I want to help, but I'm also busy with trying to stay levelled in my life. Sighs, but even if I'm busy I'd never give up. For some reason, I like keeping my friends and people I know close to me. Maybe it's because I like being social, but at the same time I really like being an individual. I'm an individual in the crowd.

Time to go study history with Yang and Lee!

Nikki.

chitty chitty bang bang

i misss you, and i love youuu <3
youre my sunshine of my lifeee
and i see you in dreams all the time
can you hear me calling your name
because everyday i think about...
the way we used to be
i sit here in front of my friends computer screen
remembering that one day we all sat and blogged
:/

i love youuu my dearest friend MNM.
and i miss you my dearest long lost twin... AGBB
and more than anything else, i miss TU3.

can i grab your boobs, cus your turning me on (;

(:

i miss alison... :'(

Lucky.

The song they sung when they realized we're here for each other.

I love my girls haha.

Do You Remember.

I love this song! I remember when the church Binhis and Kadiwas performed this song together for a music video in church. Dude, we have so many church events, it's crazy but we're blessed! Haha.

Homework to Do:

1. Whole HI


2. World Lit Paper 1


3. Psych Play


4. World Lit Paper 2


5. Psych Essay


6. Study for Japanese

I'm turning 17 in three days, six hours, and eighteen minutes!

To My Imaginary:

I imagine you.
Maybe you're tall, short, stubby, hairy, muscular.
At the moment we meet, I hope I know it's you.
Girls usually have no faith in fairy tales coming true.
I believe they can come true, whether it happens to me or not.
Not another word.
As I do my homework, sleep, eat, study.
Reality strikes me as uninteresting compared to my dream.
You're that dream.

Nikki.

This is me...

Letting go.

If I dwell on the past and blame myself for everything, a darkness will grow inside me and I'll never be able to look to the future and live in the present. I don't have any regrets. There's a reason why everything has happened, and now it's led me to this moment. Goodbye past, hello future.

Today I realized how lucky I am.

It's not that I don't have it all, but I have enough.

Family.
Friends.
God.
IB Program.
I'm not ugly.
Calves.
Freedom.
Disciplined.
Kind-hearted.
Honest to an extent.
Blessed.
Surrounded by love and open arms.

I'm a really lucky person. I'm going to make my dreams come true. I got this. I've found joy in my life. I've brought joy to others. I've listened to the hearts of many people. I've given hope to those who had none. I've done my best to make memories. I've strived to ensure good health even after all those who have mistreated me and forgotten who I was. I've kept head up even when my knees would give out. I still watch television even if I have an HI deadline on Monday. I still have faith in love even if my heart's been trampled twice. Even if I'm not the smartest kid, I know that I can still make a contribution to the world. I'm going to live my life and do my best, and when I die I won't regret anything.

W/Love,
Nikki.

Freaking piss off.

I mean, really? Why would someone say that? Or do something like that? It just pisses me off that you think you know someone, and you find out that you really don't. How could he say that about me? Why would he say that about me? Out of all the days to find out, I had to find out today. I hate him so much, why? Not because he broke up with me, I don't care about that. The fact that he just left, ignored me, couldn't at least be here for me as my friend to help me get over all of it. It just really really hurts, and I have to hide it everyday so I can be strong because I'm done shedding tears because of him. He doens't even give a shit, which makes me even more angry.

Don't mind me though because I'm probably misunderstanding any of the signals or actions he gave. But I don't care because it's not like he cleared anything for me anyways.

Do you know what it's like to give it your all, your 118%, give your complete heart, be there beyond the limits of time, and proclaim that it was love? And then having it all just taken away without any justified reasons or at least some kind of... like a explanation or warning sign... or just I, I don't know. It makes me angry how much I really hate his character right now and that I didn't see it before. He never meant the way he felt, he never meant any of it. Maybe that's just what I think, but I'll never know because I don't want to talk to him anymore. I wanted to get my closure and pain out of the way a couple weeks ago and even asked if we could get it all out in the open and just be friends, but no, he never responded and just pushed it aside. Then a week or so later decides "Hey, I think I'm okay to talk now to you. Not because I was ignoring you, but for other reasons, so we can talk now." BS, all because you're ready to talk means we're allowed to talk? Seriously? I really hope you end up alone for the rest of your life. What a nasty thoguht, but I've never placed someone so high on my priority list and kept them there despite everybody else's opinions, the arguments had, or the obstacles faced.

Nikki.

Landscape.

4:03 pm

The green, the blue, the brown, the dull yellow-- it all looks so new yet they're colors I've peered at all throughout my life. The view is beautiful from my window view in the back of the car. it's been about three hours or so that we've been driving to home from Spokane. Kuya Josin and cousin Mark are asleep, and Mikey, my annoying younger brother, is trying to busy himself with my Mum's iPhone figuring out Sudoku.

The crevices in the walls surrounding the Grand Coulee Dam are so carved so exactly that I just want to fit myself in one of those little cracks and see how long it would take until someone found me among all the other cracks. I guess I want to take a picure, but I know that my phone sucks enoguh that it'd be just a blur next to my face. Staring down into the water as my dad drives 65mph, I realize that we're really going home--home to go back to my house, studying for school, practicing organ for church, and just back to regular life. Even if I'm just a teenage girl ready to take on the world, I still am prohibited to do anything outside of my parents' regulations. I guess I miss my friends, and my bed, but whether it be a weekend away to three months away I enjoy it more than being home in Kent.

When I'm older I want to travel, but I want a family at the same time. I guess my conclusions drawn are that I can really do both unless God's will is that I can do both.

I notice the rain drilling into the farmer's grounds on my left, and clear blue skies on my right; reminds me of my life really haha. Lately, my life's just been, what's the word, simple yet busy. Simple because nothing remotely dramatic or drastic has happened, and busy because of all the upcoming events that are rolling up this months. I have my birthday in two weeks, and I cannot wait! NO JOKE!

Birthday Wish List:

• Charmed Seasons #1-4


• Any books by Isabel Allende


• Summer clothes


• MONEY

Time to go and study. Funny how just thinking about the landscapes on the way home triggered interesting thoughts.

W/Love,
Nikki.

BIG DAY BIG DAY BIG DAY!

LETS DO IT!!!!!!!:D

Friends always matter.

"I think you should move on. It's not about who's better and that you deserve better. (the truth is, you deserve more) but my main point is, if a guy is treating you like that, it's time to just move on and not give a crap. You had it good before and you guys may still share smiles and good times, but that was the past. How much longer do you think you can hold in the pain and think about the past good memories, to survive this relationship? It's time to make room for yourself and not have to worry about him, because after everything you've done for him, he deserves to be left. That's the best yuo can do for him too, if you truly care for him. He's going to have to learn from pain and the hard way, and you're the only person that can show him that."

Thank you, friend.

I guess I'm still blind. I mean at least I'm getting better. Yesterday I was bawling in my bed saying that just one more chance will silence me. If I could try just once more and if it doesn't work out then it's proven. But I've never given up, I don't give up. When I want something, I try my hardest to get it unless other alternatives show up. I'm telling you now that I guess I didn't care if he's done less or more because I loved him. Love is defined as loving flaw and perfections, but I guess he just couldn't my flaws and perfections. I will try to move on, but I'm just going to bury it deep inside me because I know better will come. And right now out of all the times, I have to focus on me. You ask me what I've wanted so much out of him and I? It's just him. To be around him, be able to smell him and hug him, make fun of his teeth, or just watch cartoons laughing at nothing. That's what I wanted. Because I don't ask for much, but there are times where I've just asked to be taken out and spent money on because I'm still a girl haha. He's the only guy who's dealt with me for so long and stayed by my side, all the rest messed up and left. And I guess I thought he was staying because he really meant that he loved me, but I guess I was fooled. Or who knows? Up until now I still have more questions to ask him, but I must stay strong. I know I can get through this, friend. I know I can.

He must be happier, and I've got to accept that because I'd rather him be happy whether he's with me or not.

W/Love,
Nikki.

Sick on a Saturday Morning.

I woke up with the sun blinding my own curtain blinds.
I know I'm ending the day with my own smile on my face.

Did I really see your heart?
Rather I step away long ago.
I know that I don't regret loving you.

But I wish I only knew.
Loving you I will have to tuck away.

Coping.

I can't forget what my priorities are.
I can't forget who my family is.
I can't forget how I'm supposed to live a right way of life.
I can't forget that I'm a strong, unique, and indifferent young woman.
I can't forget that even when I'm alone, God is still watching over me.
I can't forget that at the times when all seems lost, that a clue will show itself leading me to the end of my path.
I can't forget that everything I do in my life has a purpose, and isn't just for because.
I can't forget why God placed me here in this life.
I can't forget that I have to forget him.

Sometimes I just want to say...

SCREW IT ALL!

You know what?

I should be working on homework right now, but I'm not. So I've finally realized that I'm a doer not a sitter or a stander, but a doer. I do what I say I'll do, and keep my word. Why do people want things and not even try to get them? I have a friend who always makes bucket lists and funny goals she wants to do, but never has she ever convinced herself or made the time to do what she said she wanted to accomplish. I've finally convinced her that she should because duh life is short and life is beautiful so live it.



I spend almost everyday doing things for school, church, piano students, friends, and family, yet I still have time to make myself happy. Whether it's an unhealthy snack, or jumping on one food I always mange to be happy. Externally, I'm a really happy and positive person. Even internally, but deep deep down I'm probably a mess. I've realized that just not thinking about the bad stuff actually makes my life so much better and my mind stay super clear. Sometimes it's hard for me to stay optimistic and stay positive when something triggers my ill feelings, but I always somehow overcome it.



Right now I'm thinking to myself that I wish I had an instruction manual to my life because it's come to the point where I want to go in almost every door opened to me. But I can't. I've got to limit my e.c. for next year so I can focus on school and church more. Sighs. SENIOR YEAR IS NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Current Planned E.C.:

• Senior Class Prez


• Key Club Member


• Robotics Member


• NHS Vice President or Secretary


• Math Club Member
  
  

Other

• Adult Organist


• Binhi Officer


• Piano Teacher
  
  

I've actually had free time for myself more lately since exams are getting closer so less homework. I'm working up a schedule to study every single day at least for 20 minutes!:]

LoveLifeStatus: FML, why do I always feel unimportant?

To give up or not to give up.

Today I was reminded of what I've been fighting for since October 20th, 2009th at 7:33 a.m. We were so close, close to just giving up. But Laurie's comment to keep on fighting like rejuiced my head. Sighs. I hate her. We sat in sushi right after school and it was like he overhead my convo with Laurie that he wanted to give up and all. I won't go into detail, but we decided to still take a chance. It seems like no matter how close it feels to end, it's always just another beginning or chapter in our super funny relationship. Once I told him was Laurie said, he got up, put his arm around me and told me he loved me.
Freaking loser. Made my heart melt. He asked me, "Did u miss our hugs?" I said "No" He asked like three more times and I kept laughing saying no. He asked me, "Did u miss me?" I said "No, only for one day which was yesterday when I was on the plane because of the stupid lovey dovey movies." He laughed. We got kicked out of Sushi place and so we walked to Quizno's to just talk more and all.
I told him I didn't want to jump into anything so quickly because I'm still traumatized from the week away and I just need to take babysteps. He asked to hold my hand, I laughed and said "No, you're crazy." Hahahahhaa. Seeing him reminded me what I've been fighting to have this past year and a half; HIM. I realize I never give up on anything. I don't give up easily unfortunately. I never broke up wtih guys unless I had a legitamate reason like cheating, lying, not working out because we're both just not feeling it, etc. Deveon and I just can't really find any big reasons besides God that could break us up. I really wish that something was wrong about him to me, but I just can't really. The only thing I really find unattractive would be his nose, the only thing I really find unappealing about his personality is when he cusses. Everything I don't mind or just love about him.

I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship because I'm busy, but really I don't think I could live being single. Freaking eff, I've been with guys for so long that not being in one just makes me fall right into the next guy. So annoying. But today when Deveon said out of his mouth "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think we can work out any longer." I really just fell in a pit of lions and was ready to stop altogether of being with guys. I mapped a plan while he was talking on ways to stay away from boys that could potentially like me, and ways to not like guys (cuz I'm pretty good at that), and excuses to avoid telling a guy I don't want to like him or be with him because I'm just done hurting ppl, and getting hurt. When I told Harold I'm finished, I really thought I was done with Devere, but I'm not. It's not because I love him, I'm staying because everyday has been a new experience and we've been side by side trying to overocme these experiences to be with each other whether love was illustrated or not. We've only said the "L" word once on the phone on accident, and once in person outside the bus stop after our afterschool date, and today when he said it even if I didn't say it back.
He may not be my Prince Charming, or my Knight in Shining Armor. But he is my Deveon, and I'm going to keep it that way right now. There may be someone better for me, but what I want right now is D and no one else. If I wanted someone else I wouldn't be with Deveon, seriously. Well, time to work.
W/Love,
M.N.M.

And it happened.

Things happen for a reason. They don't happen just because.

Three words describing my break: Better. Than. Yours.

Don't worry says the heart, and be strong says my head. This break has opened my eyes to many things I should've done different. Don't think I regret anything it's just I've done some things in my life that I should've done a different way haha.

There's something that the admissions interviewer said to me "Life goes on. You've got to learn to fail in high school and college before you embrace real life. If you're going to be a doctor, someone will die on your table. If you become a lawyer, you will lose a case. If you become a tax collector, someone will try to sue you. Some kids come here to Hopkins saying they want this, this, and this. My structured plan will be this, and I'm to be that in this. What they don't know is that college isn't the end for you where you can finalize your life, it's just the beginning. You've got to learn to fail in college before you fail in life, or else it'll just be more painful. Everything at first will be the most painful or great. Life just goes on."

Right now I keep thinking it's the end of the world, but it really isn't. It may be the end of the world in that one moment, but worse could happen. Always, worse could happen. I've got to stop bringing myself down and doubting the things and people then it will really be the end fo the world for me. There are so many perspectives of single objects and opinions, goodness. I've just got to stay understanding and control my emotions and bias. Well, back to watching korean drama.

W/Love, M.N.M.

A Break.

Finally, I'm getting ready to leave for the airport at 9:30, and my flight leaves for Maryland at 12:30. Goodness, my first university interview is on Tuesday at 1:30 with John Hopkins, and then I have a UPenn tour on Wednesday. I'm so up for this! Not just that, but I'm ready to leave this state and these people (no offense) and just relax finally and be able to get some space.
Last night Devere and I got in a fight, what a dork. He freaking can't keep up with me, and it's starting to really annoy me. We were going to plan to talk at least for a good morning, and good night every day or so, but he pissed me off last night. He just doens't get it, and I'm not sure why. What guy doesn't want to show that he cares to a person he apparently loves? I'm tired of being on the tight end where I know what I want and what to do because it's what I want to do. I'm tired of being the lovesick puppy. I'm tired of being the only who loves someone in the relationship. I'm tired of wondering and guessing how the other feels. I'm tired of being the only one thinking about the other with tenderness and heartfelt manner. And I'm definitely tired of not being treated the way I need to be. It's not like I freaking ask for anything. Just miss me when I'm gone, and be excited when I talk to you, how hard is that? Goodness, freaking lucky to have is all I have to say. I don't follow my high standards, and I know I could do better, but I'm with you because I love you and you're what I want right NOW.
I just wish these words would go through his head by now. As happy as he makes me, these small fights mean something to me. And I usually would forgive and forget by now, but something feels different. I'm much stronger now and realize that I'm a great girl who's pretty amazing. I may not be beautiful or extremely pretty but I'm an awesome person likes deep conversations, and stunning sceneries. I'm ready to leave my crazy hectic life, and live for eight days completely stress free. I'm really going to miss my friends and my comfy bed, but I'll come back anyways.

Time to pack the rest of my stuff. Goodbye, Seattle.

W/Love, M.N.M.

Fate&Destiny.

It doesn't matter. I've finally figured it out, bff. So after I got off the phone with you when we were talking about our love lives and Serendipity, I just sat down and thought. The only solution to your problem is get rid of both. If you have to choose between two guys, don't choose either of them. Because either one you choose to be with, you're going to hurt someone and hurt yourself at the same time. I know you love him, but just right now, you deserve to not be under stress. I keep telling you that unlike me you just need a guy who'll make things feel easy and wonderful. You're a lover, not a fight though which makes it harder (I bet people think you're a fighter ahha). Thinking back I remember all those things with Von. If he had come up to me anytime before Deveon and maybe a couple times during Deveon and had come out and had said "I love you, but you're happy without me" I would've most likely jumped into his arms. But that didn't happen, and for a reason. If you think fate is telling you that you belong with Kuya and not D, then don't follow it. What would be more trouble? Leaving D and coming back to J, or completely getting over J and staying with D? The answer is neither, the easier would be just getting out. You need alone time, or maybe a couple fun dates with D. I told you I don't care whom you choose to be with or what you do, just pick the choice that will cause less hurt. I thought I wasn't going to get over Von. Everyone thought I'd never get over him, and I probably still haven't but I just consider that I"m over him because I don't dream of lying in bed next to him, watching Korean dramas in his living room, our asian kids running around with glasses and booming laughs, but most of all I stopped dreaming of what it'd be like if he loved me the way I loved him. Bff, you'll get through this. You are one of the strongest ppl I know just like N, A, and J. Like I said, if this boy if your only weakness, find a way to defeat it. I love you so much, I just absolutely hate seeing you get hurt. Back to my life haha. Had Holy Supper and it was wonderful. I swear, being Iglesia is amazing, I love my church. It's the only place where I feel like my main purpose is. I mean I try to fit in everywhere else, but when I'm at church that's where it's at mahn. I finally feel like things with Alison are seeming a lot brighter. During mediatation period in the third Worship Service, I fantasized what it'd be like to call her and just talk. I started crying super hard and couldn't stop. Then I wandered off into NeverLand wondering what it'd be like if I didn't have my parents with me and I cried harder. I predicted life without Deveon, and I sobbed. I've finally found my fault and sin; I am too attached to the people and wonder of this evil and wicked world. I can still have my goals in saving the world and etc, but I've gotta put my duty and membership of my church above all. Life is bliss, but the Holy City is eternal life.

I just can't get it all out.

There is so much on my mind and my plate right now. I know I'm busy when I forget places I'm suppose to be and people I'm suppose to go to or call. It's just too much. I'm on the brink of my madness, but I can't let it get to me no matter how much I want to scream, cry, or blow up. It's Holy Supper week, it might be a test of faith. Gotta breathe.

#[

Homework Due Tmrw.

TOK-

• Composition Journal; writing from a Bushman's perspective. Three entries. DONE.
• Journal Entry; What is the difference between "perception" and "perspective"? How do they interact in "knowing"? Is one more important than the other? DONE.

Japanese-

• Self-introduction. DONE.

Psychology-

• Work on IA. DONE.
• Read Mod. 56. DONE.

History-

• 1920s Assignment DONE
• Agent Orange HI Outline

Physics-

• Labs (3)

English-

• Study for English Quiz.
• Read past Ch.4-6.

Math-

• pg. 418 3-29 odds DONE.
• pg.428 1-9 odds, 11, 13a, 23, 25, 27

Imaginary Words W/Meaning.

I think about you everyday.
Sometimes I don't think, I could just get away... from you.
I think about you, and how much I love you.
I'm not lying when, I'm not lying when I say I think about youuuu everyday.

Curtains.

For Randy.

Realization.

Mahn, this week just keeps getting better and better. Deveon says that if I can't talk to anyone, I've got to put it somewhere like blogger or my diary; so I'm just doing both. Today I had presented my Psych IA to Mrs. McClung and did my Group 4 Physics IA Project also. Mahn, I never knew all these things existed within IB, it's pretty overloading but so amazing. After all the long and eye-wrenching assignments, projects, and I guess IB Requirements I actually prefer it to over any other kind of education I've experienced. I mean just looking back on my education, I've really been lucky and able to take advantage of my resources. I've been enrolled in the gifted program, always been top of my class in elementary, honors program in Middle School, won 5th in the state for my NHD Project (MiddleSchool), Tech-Academy where I joined a family and honed new skills, and now in IB. Sometimes I can't believe where I'm at. Learning is so.... amazing. I'm doing IB for two reason, outta state and the contents of the IB curriculum.

My Plan:

1. Graduate with the IB Diploma.
2. Get accepted to JHU or any other university that meet my math and science standards.
3. Major in...
   Anatomy
   Bioinformatics and genomics
   Biomaterials
   Biomechanics
   Biophysical chemistry
   Computer programming for engineers
   Mathematics
   Micromachines and robotics
   Molecular and cell biology
   Organic chemistry
4. Complete my six years and find an apprenticeship where I can start my research and/or work.
5. As an adult organist I will try to take oath as a Buklod Officer to stay in the loop and keep my husband or family active.
6. After finding a stable job, each month my savings account will save an amount of 1-2 grand. This account will be set up for my future goals for my kids' tuition and my charity funds.
7. At 40 years old I will join an organization and start what I've been hoping to do all my life; save the world.

So I'm crazy right? It's just a rough draft anyways, just thinking about all of this makes my blood pump and my face warm. You have no idea how much I want to do good. Even if I have almost no self-confidence in my system, going after my dreams boosts it up. Maybe someday I'll be able to wake up and finally feel like the Maria Nikki Molina I used to be only 3-5 years ago.

Time to watch Bleach with Deveon! WHOO. I'm finally getting ahead mayuhnnnn. Hahahahhaa.

W/Love,
M.N.M.

Procrastinating Just Alittle.

First like hour of this week sucked, but ever since then things have been doing really great. Yesterday when I was performing for CWS I had a huge wave of I don't even know what, and I wept, and I laughed, and I smiled. Dang, performing as an organist is so self-fulfilling. I know singing is also great too even if I don't have that much of a great voice, but organist has been like a dream for me since I was 7 and Kuya Tim taught me my first lesson. I've overcome so many obstacles that are going to finally bring me to my ultimate goal success; ADULT ORGANIST!!! I'm so excited, that it's hard to be humble and have a contrite heart, but ateeh Magic and Ka Gerard keep telling me to just continue praying and being humbleeeeeeee.

Yesterday after church I went to Esther's to do homework, and bake goods for today's Math Club PI Day Celebration. David, Jasmeet, and Joanna went. Unfortunately freaking Randy couldn't go, but he had good reasons. GRR RANDY! Hahaahaha. Anyways, it was too fun and just mahn they crack me up. If studying people isn't a hobby, then I'll call it a satisfaction. Freaking Esther, Joanna, and Marianne are such different people with just as much differences between Dev and I. If you throw Watson in that batch, it's even crazier. Today was the celebration and I was MC for the games and food, mahn I love speaking. We sung to YMCA (I lead the singing, hahaha bad singing dawg), played Heads Up Seven Up, Musical Chairs, Telephone, and Duck-Duck-Goose. Superrrrr tired afterwards. We also had a special gathering where I got to sit next to Als, whoo! Then we were told the Ten Commandments of the Church Administration and it was extremely uplifting.

New Personal Goal:
Bear four fruits(bible students) in total by 2014. I have two already, Jayson is going to try it after Judo Season and then we'll see how life goes from there.

Tomorrow is my small presentation for my Psychology Internal Assessment and I'm just starting now. Even if it's an outline I still am alittle nervous. I'm working on my self-esteem issues. Randy gave me a song called Keep Ya Head Up by Tupac that really actually raps what I just need to do with myself in life. I just need to chill and pay attention to the details and look at the big picture of life. I'm very psyched for my JHU and UPenn trip in April, and my Stanford/SeePaulOnHisGradDay trip in May. Sighs, I can do it.

"We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true."~ Woodrow Wilson

Praying for the best,
M.N.M.

Over the Top.

I realized the problem with me; self-confidence. I never knew that not believing in yourself can cause me to lose myself. It's gotta start somewhere. I can say all the words it takes to lift myself up, but it always depends on the actions.

Actions speak louder than words.

Chapter 23458762829450204 of my life.

I've always wondered what if two people could be destined for each other. I mean, I can't really say anything because I'm not even close to the age of wise and counsel. Even if I've had my share fo guys and experience, it doesn't compare to decades of loving someone or losing someone. Sometimes I wonder why my generation take relationships so seriously or so carelessly. When I mean my generation, I mean 10-20 year olds. I feel like a hypocrite cause I'm technically in a relationship, and am so happy and giddy all the time that I just want to fly to Paris just to eat chocolate pancakes or boulangeries-patisseries.

Why do people fall in love? I mean, is it because of the whole "need to reproduce" thing or what? And you know what's even worse? Freaking love is amazing. It is just freaking awesome, even if my experience involved pain, it still was a beautiful thing to me. Sighs, just when I look back at how I was when I loved ____, it makes me want to cover the hole in my heart, but oddly enough that whole is patched up with a remedy called Deveon, haha. Someone asked me what is love and sometimes I don't think I should ever answer. Because I've only experienced it where it was one-sided as in I was the only one who felt anything and the other side felt, well nothing.

I hope two-sided love is just as wonderful as I believe it to be.

Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.

Time to PMS,
M.N.M.

:D

I like oranges.

So I've been really stressed lately because I can't find a summer program to go to! I'm so scared and I'm not sure where I'm going to this summer. I need to have real hands-on experience with something that could spike my interests, but I just can't find the perfect one for me. GAHZ. The more and more I think about my future, the more uneasy I get but I just have to stay strong that I'll follow my destiny.

Five Facts That I Figured Out Today About Myself:

1. I like oranges.


2. Randy's becoming a very good guy friend.


3. I'm really not a girly girl.


4. I have no music preference, it all depends on my mood.


5. I want to see the world.

Time to continue my learning in Physics,
M.N.M.

He's just too wonderful for words.

Today in Psychology.

We learned about stereotypes and how we stereotype people everyday. It's almost human nature. Sometimes I just wonder though, why? How did we bring upon ourselves to stereotype? Has it been existent for as long as man has lived or is it just several hundred years old?

It's hard to finalize if I stereotype because when I first meet people, they're a blank canvas. And as I get to know them, their impressions paint colors into their canvas and soon they give me a painting in which I soon get to know by every shadow, light, or dark color. I absolutely love meeting new people, it's like my brain builds more rooms to store more paintings. The world is filled with a lot of people, dude, like A LOT. It's crazy when I try and think about how many people I do know compared to the population of the entire world. I have like 15 different social circles and yet I barely know 1/100000000000000000000th of United States, or maybe I know a little under that haha.

Reminisce: I remember when I was in first grade and it was one of our get-to-know each other projects and I put my #1 goal is to meet everyone on the world. As I accelerated in intellect (haha big words) I realized that I didn't want to meet the murderers(unless they're willing to change), the rapists(unless they promise not to harm me or anyone I know), or yanno just those people classified as "bad". It's a lot of work knowing people, too. I mean, remembering faces should be like an ability, mahn. It's crazy how every face is different yet people have trouble matching names and faces when family members are easier to remember.

Well, I've got to do math homework that I ran in the rain for (inside joke) and study for a japanese test(that I have no idea is on).

W/Love,
MNM.

People.

It's choice whether to give up on someone or not. It's a choice whether to leave someone or stay. People confuse the definition between responsibility and blame always, and never ever try to look it up in the dictionary.

Good night,
Seattle.

It Changes Every So Often.

The more I learn from the people around me and the environment I live in, the more I understand why I am the way I am. Sometimes I think I'm such a complicated human being that maybe I'm just not human but a lifeform with humanistic characteristics.

I smile.
I laugh.
I cry.
I care.
I love.

No matter how much I hate feeling negatively about anything unjust to me, I can only do so much to change the bad to good. Whatever purpose God placed me on this Earth, I want to fulfill it. I can't keep running away from whatever destiny he's put forth for me. I passed my audition to be Adult Choir Organist and I couldn't feel more blessed. Deveon and Patrek have enrolled to be bible students at church, which is an even bigger blessing. Also let's not forget God's life and strength he invested in me while I survived this last week.

It almost feels like school is getting harder. But I NEED TO REMEMBER that worse things could happen. Every day I become just alittle older than I was the last day. Cracks you up doesn't it? School is starting to run my life and whether I like it or not I have to deal with it. As long as I keep praying and hoping for the best, things will go the way my destiny should. Even if there's so many people out there who criticize me on why I do the things I do, my opinion should be above all. So far I'm trying to keep my friends as close as I can, but I miss them so much yanno? I just wish that they could be a bit more understanding but I can't blame them.

Many miracles have been happening lately. My family laughing like no other, Deveon changing for the best and doing wonderful things, I get to bring my own lunch every day, my IB group make me happy, Fab6 never leaves my heart, and God keeps answering my prayers. I've got to have faith in my destiny. Maybe I should make a huge plan/schedule of my every day to get my priorities straight. WHOO HOO!

MIA.

I don't blog as much as I used to. It's because I realized that I stick all my problems and goals in here instead of focusing on fixing them and following. A couple more weeks until the end of the Semester and I'll have exactly 6 more full quarters until IB Diploma and Graduation. I'm not terrified, just nervous. I've got to keep praying to God for him to be here for me.

I have some new goals ready to be pursued.

Rough Draft speech for Senior Class Prez:

Hello everyone, my name is M.N.M. I am running for your Senior Class President. I have sat side by side almost next to a little over half of this class and I am raedy to increse that number. Why am I running? Because just like each and every officer has attempted to do is make our class as successful as it could be. You could criticize, or make a snide remark at the rather scattered failures, but honestly, hush. It's all in the past. I don't want to go all "For the future, let's bring change!" but I will tell you my original words from the heart. I am running because I believe I will do the best I can; I have faith and high hopes that not just I but we will succeed.

Around New Year's is when I had decided that this will be my pursuit; to become your Senior Class President leading the graduating class of 2012. I have already pre-planned events and activities that we could do to raise money. We can do it; I know it. Unfortunately I'm quite pushy, so if I win on some lucky chance, and the day comes when Senior Class T-Shirts are on the market to be bought by you Class of 2012, I will approach you myself in my busy life to ask you why you cannot buy a t-shirt. It's not a threat, but it's a promise, and I don't break my promises. Some events and senior things I've already looked at are Senior T-Shirts, what to do for Battle of the Sexes, strategies on how win the Canned Food Drive, proposing a Senior Period of Time where almost each week for several or more weeks straight we do events that will raise some money or A LOT of money. Like a Book Drive, Pet Show, Coin Jar, Senior Luau, and more. These will all help us in financing our Prom. Come on you guys, we've got to make it to Prom. I'm not that obssessed with school dances, but now thinking about it I should've tooken School Spirit more seriously for the last couple of years. I never realized how much work the staff and ASB Peoples put into making our year memorable even if they plan things that aren't to our liking. So let's pick it up, stop slacking, raise our interests, and help guarantee that our Senior Year's not going to stink. This is not just a speech so you could vote for me and elect me, but it's also a message I want to share with all of you. Our Class Reps for since Freshmen Year aren't the ones at fault, they could take the blame but not all of it is pointed them.

The characteristics I will own up to starting with the bad is overexcitement, easily stressed, overloader, and weird. These are all quite important, but don't worry, I have good qualities also. I am a hard worker, I never give up, I may complain but I own up to my assignments. I may overload myself, but I'm cutting back just alittle bit because I want to be your Senior President. I want to be the one to watch our budget increase whil our class and I have fun and make money. I want to see you all stare and awe at our success.

I have an obssession with helping people and making an impact on their lives and that's what I'm here to do, what more to help my obssession than lead a body of students to make their last year in high school more memorable than they could imagine. I guess I want to take weird out of my bad qualities because that word not only describes me but is me. Another word I find that is me is leader, and that's what I want to be for you.

I've gone to own up to my other responsibilities though. Diploma might kill me but it's all worth it in the end. I CAN DO ITTTT!!!!!