Live and Die.

"Life isn't about the breaths you take, it's about the moments that take your breath away". -Anonymous.

Every day someone is born and someone dies. It's the circle/cycle of life. People who are scared of death are really scared of feeling the coldness. The coldness which entraps your entire body, with the emptying of the mind, and the beating of the heart stopping. If you spend everyday waiting for yourself to die, then you'll never be able to live each day as if it's your last day on earth.


Cherish your life. Live your life to the fullest. Those are a couple of main guidelines that people these days try to live by. Do they really live their life though? Do they take value to it? Being born as an infany no less then 1 foot and a half, to a pre-teen, then a teenager, and finally an adult. People throw away their lives everyday not caring. People take away as many lives that is needed. But people also give life to as many of those who need and want it. I may not be staying on track, so give me a second. . . . .

I have no more thoughts on this because I want you to think. You know how reading a blog usually is written of all thoughts and comments, and you're usually like blown away by this in depth thinking? Well, I want you to try be blown away on your thoughts on life and death. Every person has a different perspective on living and dying. I want you to unwind your mind and let your thoughts flow.

My last thought;
Live every day as if that's your last day to live, so when you die, you know you have lived your life.

Missed Chances and Lost Opportunities.

In life we are provided with many decisions and choices. I think those things shape our lives. It's our own place to shape our life. When an opportunity is offered, make sure to accept it and use it to the best of your advantage. It could change your life and be one of those things that make you smile when you wake up. I mean, everyday we are provided with chances and opportunities. They're everywhere! In choosing our friends, what toothpaste to use, what answer to write on a test, whether you believe in yourself or not, and most importantly what's number one or two in your heart, mind, and soul.

To miss a chance is mind-messing. For example, if there's something you need to say or do, and you choose not to do it... You might be spending the rest of your life wondering what would've happened if you did what you needed to do. It's called a regret. At the same time though, a regret is a lesson not learned. I may be confusing, but think about it. Let's name a daily problem; going out with someone. If it was a nasty breakup with many hardships and difficulties, then in the end you regretted it, did you not learn anything? In most cases, there is a gain and a loss. You wouldn't want to spend your whole time thinking of what could be different because what's done is done. You are who you are today with the chances you took and lost.

When losing an opportunity, it could be felt as maybe yourself feeling like a loser. You might make some bad excuses or commit to problems than taking your opportunity. When it shows up unexpectedly out of your life, weigh your options, take your chance, make this occasion last. You never know... Losing out on something could lead to sadness, anger at self, depression, regret, sorrow, and maybe even heartache.

There's not much to say now. Except now I'm thinking of the only two regrets I have tried to let go in my head; ditching the gifted program of 3rd grade, and never telling my one first love how I felt. The first one had no gain. I was in the gifted program for one semester, but I quit and went back to regular because it was too difficult for me and I felt lonely. I was such a kid at that time. When I went back to my old school regular education, I already learned everything that they were just looking into. I spent most of my free time writing sentences in cursive and practicing multiplication/division/subtraction/addition. I felt real smart though in front of all those kids that they looked to me. I could've benefited so much if only I stayed dedicated to that program. But I did learn something; always be dedicated to all that you do and never quit.

My second regret was a time of all those negative feelings I listed earlier. I'm still provided with so many chances even today to tell him. I remember what he told me when we were close friends, "It's all about the perfect time and place, but even though the wait is long, in the end it's always worth it". Although we don't speak to each anymore, he's one of the biggest effects on who I am today and how I see things. I hope that one day I could just say "thank you".

This is the end to my blog. I've been writing a lot while being stuck at home watching Japanese Anime and Drama. Haha. It's a good way to spend my time. Well, I hope that no one ever gives up on their dreams or wishes, and that when something is given right in front of you, that you won't just reject it.

Because you never know.

Normality, what a killer?

I don't know why it frustrates me... I'm M**** N**** M*****. I'm one of a kind. A unique chicka. Yet how is it that I am not satisfied with that? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish that I could be normal for once. To be seen as normal. Not the wicket, weird, sweet, rad, kind girl I am, but someone that could be viewed as a girl. A girl who has a sense of being like everyone else.



You probably might think, "Being different is good. What the heck?", it is! Believe me, I know! It's what I've been working towards me whole life; to be different, but a good kind of different which I have achieved. Everything about me is unique. I can't explain why this pains my mind in a way... I guess I secretly want to be like everyone else. I don't think there's anyone in the world who likes being themselves unless they're living THE life.



Now, this is me wondering what it's like to be like everyone else. It's actually quite different because everyone is different. We live in a world, universe, and time where there is never that one person who is exactly like you. That's a good and bad thing I guess.



Maybe I don't want to be like everyone else. What are some things that I wish were like everyone else?... I wish that I had a trendsetting style. Like I looked glamorous in a way that would make me feel pretty, but I know that's kind of bad in a way because that would bring up conceitedness and vainness and I don't want to be like that kind of girl. I wish that I had the brain of a super genius. It would be as if I was the first woman Albert Einstein because the power of knowledge if not a gift, but an ability. Though that would make me too brainy that I would forget about other important things. Then that means being above average is the awesomest ever. I wish that I have enough money to buy things when I need to. Then I wouldn't have to feel sorry or pity for myself and feel poor. On the otherhand, if I always had money, then I'd be used to spending and become a compulsive shopper and buyer... That would be bad. Having money at all times seems to be a bad idea. I wish that I could be the best friend everyone's ever wanted. I try my best... and hope that I'm doing a good job. Sometimes I feel as if it's just nothing. What if I'm not good enough for that kind of standard? One of my crazy impulses are to make sure everyone's happy even if it has nothing to do with my happiness. I don't see a downside to seeing other people happy except that at times... I may not be happy.



This topic of wanting to feel normal... really has changed my view on quite a lot of things. Haha. I know that it's hard for me to stay on topic, but I'm glad that I"m starting to be able to write my thoguhts down clearly.

Freezing and Burning.

How can I explain this from what is happening around me? I thought that my heart's been like a fire all this time. Either burning because it's angered or because it's been made with coal and care. Or my heart could be freezing from being black and ice or stilled to a quiet place. I have no idea what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm so clueless and irresponsible of my actions. Why can't I be nothing? Forget this, I can't even write down what is buried in my heart. Either because it's burning and hurts too much to interpret or because it cold and still to dig deep within.

I hope one day I could be at peace, still, and heart beating, to its warmth and frozen ice.

Water and fire.

Popularity Contest.

Today, I lost the Freshmen Election of 08-09. __ _______ won. I don't know why, but this is a huge reveletion hit to me. Everyone knew that if he won, it would be out of popularity contest. I feel though, that maybe he would be a wonderful president. At the same time, I know that no one biased him on his speech or his posters. Well may be his posters. I feel that I could do way better next time. I can not believe it. I am still very shocked. This election meant so much to me. It was the first time that I was right about losing and failing. I'm not going to lie, I'm not a huge fan of rejection because it doesn't really happen to me. Actually it does happen, but I always know why and how come.

I don't think I deserved the lost, but I do know some ways I could have done to get higher votes.

1. Post up more posters visible to all students' eyes.
2. Made buttons with my name and picture to give out to people.
3. Attend more school activities and spread my name.
4. In my speech, add more comments of what ideas I would use, but not be sure that it would be used.

I don't know how I feel right now. It is a mixture of annoyance, anger, and disappointed. I am annoyed at the fact that I KNOW that 2/3 of the Freshman Population voted by popularity. Most likely those of the KM building, but that's where anger comes in. Why would they base their votes on who's more popular or who they know? I thought people my grade were smarter than that. SIGHS. Maybe they didn't vote just because of popularity, maybe they actually think that RJ will do a better job. That's where my disappointment comes from.

I don't know how it would be for me to be a President of a student body. I've had many experiences in ASB though. In 4th, 5th, and 6th grade I was a representative of my elementary. I was the secretary in 6th grade of the whole school. 7th grade I was a representative. 8th grade I boosted myself up by being 8th grade Senator. 9th grade, I took the decision to run for Freshmen President.

I'm not sad, just those three feelings. Hopefully I'll do a better job next time. There's always next time.

"Never regret taking a risk if you didn't learn something." M.N.M.

Inspiration.

Who knew that searching up colleges, IB programs, and information on PSAT and SAT prep would lead me to finding my inspiration? Her name is Yling Tran. She is currently a junior in the University Of Southern Thornton School Of Music in Los Angeles, California. He is exactly what I who I want to be; a professional pianist/teacher, an IB diplomat, and recognized in all over for my hard work.
When I first found her web page, the first thing that caught my eye was the list of movements and classical pieces listed that of which she has played in programs, performances, and recitals. That really got me interested for I am also a pianist myself and love music. I love all kinds of music. It’s usually the one thing that could keep my still and flow at my mind. I feel as if I can carry myself into the clouds and feel weightless. Yling has been playing for probably her whole life. Even if I do not know when she started, I do know that in 8th grade, she was a soloist in a masters class, WSMTA Adjustifications, and in Donna Sams’ Piano Studio Showcase recitals. She also won the seal of Special Recognition for thorough preparation and excellence at the Seattle Young Artists Music Festival Complete program, and second place in the 8th grade division of the Washington Eastside Chapter Scholarship Program. She is also a teacher of five students. She is limited of 5 because of her IB diploma requirements and the other time she has for extracurricular activities. I am also a teacher of 5 students currently, but I’ve only been teaching for not even a year. She inspires me so much that I could be a professional pianist and an ambitious teacher. A dream of mine is to play in the Paramount Theatre of Seattle for a play being a piano soloist. I know that one day, I will do that.

Appreciation and Gratefulness.

I read one of my closest friend's blog for like the fourth time. Rereading it makes me want to write down the secret of my heart that I could never put down on paper, except my personal journal.x]

There was this one guy. He was like an older brother. I liked him the second I saw him, but I thought it was just a day crush. But that crush was in my heart for a long time. Just a "Moviestar Crush". You know how people fall in love and think they'll marry those rockstars, or actors and actresses? But they know in their heart that it's impossible? That's what he was to me. An impossible crush. For the couple months I knew him back then, that's what he was to me. We soon became the fine line between best guy friend and older brother, so he was likeable. I can't believe I'm saying this, it feels so cliche girl, but I don't feel pathetic right now. Usually I feel like an idiot for half the things I say and do. That guy helped me in my time of need and showed me the true values of the decisions people make these days. He told me about his life, and I told mine. It was weird though because the fact I thought he was "impossible" was because the age. Yes, the age. Sounds extremely weird. Four years apart.

My feelings for him will never ever go away. I know that now. It's a big of a concept for me and probabl for him, but I'm going to try ad handle it as best as I can. I kept running away from him before because I was scared. Scared to like him so much and get hurt... that I freaked and just kept running. I cried, hurt, and hid. I was scared to fall and mess up some part of my life. Which eventually did happen. But it was because I let it happen.

Now I can't rewind what I did, can't go back in time, or go back to that perfect time and place. I'm always too late, a habit I have to outlive. Haha. Even though, I hope that I can say to myself someday and know it's true that we were never meant.

"How do you know when you're in love? You don't. It just happens. Love isn't a know-it-all thing or according-to-plan. Defined or undefined, you just know." -Anonymous.

After all the stupid relationships I've put myself into, it's nice to have actually found love... Love is a strange thing. No one ever really knows if it exists or if it's real. One of the most important things this guy has taught me is the feeling and meaning of love. I know that no matter what age we are at, love seems pointless. Although I believe in one love, in every person's life there's always that one person that shows you that it's not all fantasy. That it's the one thing that lifts you up to where you belong and can soar the wide vast sky.

So Much To Do, Less Space To Think.

This year was planned out perfectly. Focus on grades, no boys, and less on the being known factor. Things NEVER go the way you usually plan. Now here I am in a whole different position; boyfriend, stressing, and running for freshmen president. I never knew how to stress until now. My resistance to friends and boys was hard to balance out. The priorities of my life are all being thrown at me simultaneously. I mean seriously, I really wish I could watch how "Nikki Molina" lived my life.

In church I thought about how I'm not suppose to be with him for reasons that I can not perceive. He's made a huge impact on my life on the short time I've known and been with him. He makes me happy, but I'm not suppose to be wtih him at all for church purposes. He's amazing and I don't deserve him. I see so many things wrong with me and he sees so many right things that I don't like to point out. Is it that I'm being too modest? Or that I just don't want to be noticed? He wants to be there for me at all times and be the one I go to to talk about my problems. I'm not used to talking about that to any of my boyfriends because I never wanted to get attached or distracted or have the guy worry for me. The guy never had a complaint about it either because he didn't know what was going on. All my boyfriends have been losers and jerks. I never got time to actually take the time of seriousness. Except with one guy, but I can't speak of him because it hurts too much.

He's done so much and it means all a lot to me. I wish that I didn't have no cares or no worries. I don't even know what I'm staying. My heart's been a burden for the last 24 hours. I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. finishing up the IRP Project. Maybe I'm being confused because I'm so tired. My mind keeps spinning and my heart is pulled in so many directions towards all those who I care and love for. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the world. As if I'm trying so hard to lift up high the world's height above my shoulders.

I need to do something to clean up my life a bit.

New Goal

New Goal:It's time. You need to bring up your determination and boost up your confidence. You know you could do so much more important things. You're losing your knowledge of who you are. Stop that. Forget about the less important things just for now. Remember your priorities.

1. Yourself.
2. Church.
3. School.
4. E.C. Activities.
5. Instrumentals [Music]

I need to focus more in believing in myself and having fun with my life and the activities I do. I have a really good life. It's just that I'm way too complicated and complex for my own good. I overthink too much and make everything a huge deal like I overexaggerate big time. My family and friends are equal in my head. I am so down on myself that half the time I forget that I'm suppose to be happy.

When I go to church, it's the only time I get to just think and go over all the decisions I have made. It's the time that I get to think things through and analyze all. I figured out a couple weeks ago that most of the time when you listen to the teachings of God, you don't really have the lessons hit you until you're going against those the commandments. As long as you learn your lesson, it should be okay. But repenting is always the best thing, too.

Education should be my top priority. Since I started school, it has been. But I'm trying something new. I'm trying to put myself and church before education which is taking my focus off school. School is the only thing that can carry me to a bright future and a huge supportment to my success. At school, I feel the need to be perfect in all that I work on and turn in. Anything below an "A" shreds a piece of my brain. I will try my hardest from now on. I'm taking myself to my dream; Stanford. I don't even know what I'll be majoring in, but I know it has to be at Stanford or PennU as my second choice. I feel the need to be the top of the top setting an example to all. Lately though it's been so hard because I feel like that's impossible when it really isn't. All I need to do is put 4x as much effort and hard work than a normal student would. I believe in myself that I can reach this goal.

Even though it is as if my extra curricular activites are overwhelming, they are all for good purposes. After school I never hang out or chill, I go straight to club or study session. I go to my friends' houses to study and help. I am part of Key, Japanese, and Filipino Club. I'm part of Key Club in order to obtain my Community Service hours for College and IB. I have already fulfilled 11 1/2 hours of community service. Filipino Club really sets me on a view on how my etnicity cooperates and acts. I am an honorary member and an officer [treasurer/secretary] of this club. Honestly, I have no attended Japanese Club in over a month. I think I'm going to quit Japanese Club because two clubs are enough. After school I do study sessions such as extra credit, Mr.Z's, and group projects. My last extracurricular is the Freshman Election which I am running in for President. I hope to win that election because I really would like to lead this school in a positive most better way.

Instrumentals is part of my priorities because if I fail in education, I have my musician career to turn to. Music clears my mind and helps me feel more relaxed. It's like the notes, sounds, and rhythm takes me to another place of beat and elapsed time. Since I loved the piano so much, I started my first job as a Piano Teacher. I already have 5 students who are excelling or starting. I feel proud to spread my knowledge and love for music. Besides the piano, I enjoy playing the clarinet. I feel like I can move my body and my fingers more. My lungs and mouth muscles are used to the advantage of playing beautiful jazzy soft music. One day when I've perfected piano, I will learn the guitar.

All of these priorties could only be made if I put no distractions in the way. If I can stay focused and faithful to my duties, then I could do the best that I know I can do.

Stress Level

I've been pretty good lately. I've been getting all my homework done and feeling more confident. In class, I pay attention more and my focus is devoted to the teacher 97% of the time. I wonder how someone could be so stressed. When you're stressed out it effects all around you; social status, family life, and health. The way you process and live through the day is more slower and harder. I'm glad to be getting better now.

New Goals:

-Improve my writing skills.
-Read more.
-Overachieve.
-All A's before the quarter ends. [this week=]
-8 hours of sleep.

Lately I've been thinking of taking more advanced and added classes. I was thinking of taking an extra math class online. I'm excited for it, but pretty worried about all this crammage. I hope to be in accelerated classes than I arleady am. I have very high expectations for myself. Hopefully, I reach them.

Job Occupation

I have always planned to be a doctor throughout Elementary. Once I moved on to Middle School, my dream shifted to being a Pediatrician. Now in High School, I have no idea. There are so many things that I can do and I don't know which area I'm excelled in.

I think of being a Pediatrician, and it makes me feel impatient because of the many years of college it takes. Although I could take it, but all the Filipino women I know are doctors or nurses.
I am interested in being a lawyer because of the persuasiaveness and people skills I have. I'm also interested in being some kind of biologist, preferably a biologist studying in the Amazon. I love plants and animals. I love the forests, jungles, exploring and observing. That's been a dream since 1st grade.

I hope to figure out what I want to grow up to be sometime soon, but I do know that whatever I do I want to be remembered in history.

Day/Night

I think I'm like the owl; nocturnal. I can never sleep when night time comes. Taking naps is like a daily thing for me. 25-40 minutes minimum. At night is when my mind thinks better. It's where I feel happier, and am more energetic. Makes no sense at all. I have so much trouble sleeping. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I won't be able to go back to sleep. I feel the need to get up and do something. I'll do something like write a note to myself in the morning, or reoorganize my binder. When I wake up, I totally regret it. I wish I was more of a day person, I do love sleep though. It's just hard to go to sleep for me. Maybe I am nocturnal.