Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friends always matter.
"I think you should move on. It's not about who's better and that you deserve better. (the truth is, you deserve more) but my main point is, if a guy is treating you like that, it's time to just move on and not give a crap. You had it good before and you guys may still share smiles and good times, but that was the past. How much longer do you think you can hold in the pain and think about the past good memories, to survive this relationship? It's time to make room for yourself and not have to worry about him, because after everything you've done for him, he deserves to be left. That's the best yuo can do for him too, if you truly care for him. He's going to have to learn from pain and the hard way, and you're the only person that can show him that."
Thank you, friend.
I guess I'm still blind. I mean at least I'm getting better. Yesterday I was bawling in my bed saying that just one more chance will silence me. If I could try just once more and if it doesn't work out then it's proven. But I've never given up, I don't give up. When I want something, I try my hardest to get it unless other alternatives show up. I'm telling you now that I guess I didn't care if he's done less or more because I loved him. Love is defined as loving flaw and perfections, but I guess he just couldn't my flaws and perfections. I will try to move on, but I'm just going to bury it deep inside me because I know better will come. And right now out of all the times, I have to focus on me. You ask me what I've wanted so much out of him and I? It's just him. To be around him, be able to smell him and hug him, make fun of his teeth, or just watch cartoons laughing at nothing. That's what I wanted. Because I don't ask for much, but there are times where I've just asked to be taken out and spent money on because I'm still a girl haha. He's the only guy who's dealt with me for so long and stayed by my side, all the rest messed up and left. And I guess I thought he was staying because he really meant that he loved me, but I guess I was fooled. Or who knows? Up until now I still have more questions to ask him, but I must stay strong. I know I can get through this, friend. I know I can.
He must be happier, and I've got to accept that because I'd rather him be happy whether he's with me or not.
W/Love,
Nikki.
Thank you, friend.
I guess I'm still blind. I mean at least I'm getting better. Yesterday I was bawling in my bed saying that just one more chance will silence me. If I could try just once more and if it doesn't work out then it's proven. But I've never given up, I don't give up. When I want something, I try my hardest to get it unless other alternatives show up. I'm telling you now that I guess I didn't care if he's done less or more because I loved him. Love is defined as loving flaw and perfections, but I guess he just couldn't my flaws and perfections. I will try to move on, but I'm just going to bury it deep inside me because I know better will come. And right now out of all the times, I have to focus on me. You ask me what I've wanted so much out of him and I? It's just him. To be around him, be able to smell him and hug him, make fun of his teeth, or just watch cartoons laughing at nothing. That's what I wanted. Because I don't ask for much, but there are times where I've just asked to be taken out and spent money on because I'm still a girl haha. He's the only guy who's dealt with me for so long and stayed by my side, all the rest messed up and left. And I guess I thought he was staying because he really meant that he loved me, but I guess I was fooled. Or who knows? Up until now I still have more questions to ask him, but I must stay strong. I know I can get through this, friend. I know I can.
He must be happier, and I've got to accept that because I'd rather him be happy whether he's with me or not.
W/Love,
Nikki.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sick on a Saturday Morning.
I woke up with the sun blinding my own curtain blinds.
I know I'm ending the day with my own smile on my face.
Did I really see your heart?
Rather I step away long ago.
I know that I don't regret loving you.
But I wish I only knew.
Loving you I will have to tuck away.
I know I'm ending the day with my own smile on my face.
Did I really see your heart?
Rather I step away long ago.
I know that I don't regret loving you.
But I wish I only knew.
Loving you I will have to tuck away.
Coping.
I can't forget what my priorities are.
I can't forget who my family is.
I can't forget how I'm supposed to live a right way of life.
I can't forget that I'm a strong, unique, and indifferent young woman.
I can't forget that even when I'm alone, God is still watching over me.
I can't forget that at the times when all seems lost, that a clue will show itself leading me to the end of my path.
I can't forget that everything I do in my life has a purpose, and isn't just for because.
I can't forget why God placed me here in this life.
I can't forget that I have to forget him.
I can't forget who my family is.
I can't forget how I'm supposed to live a right way of life.
I can't forget that I'm a strong, unique, and indifferent young woman.
I can't forget that even when I'm alone, God is still watching over me.
I can't forget that at the times when all seems lost, that a clue will show itself leading me to the end of my path.
I can't forget that everything I do in my life has a purpose, and isn't just for because.
I can't forget why God placed me here in this life.
I can't forget that I have to forget him.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
You know what?
I should be working on homework right now, but I'm not. So I've finally realized that I'm a doer not a sitter or a stander, but a doer. I do what I say I'll do, and keep my word. Why do people want things and not even try to get them? I have a friend who always makes bucket lists and funny goals she wants to do, but never has she ever convinced herself or made the time to do what she said she wanted to accomplish. I've finally convinced her that she should because duh life is short and life is beautiful so live it.
I spend almost everyday doing things for school, church, piano students, friends, and family, yet I still have time to make myself happy. Whether it's an unhealthy snack, or jumping on one food I always mange to be happy. Externally, I'm a really happy and positive person. Even internally, but deep deep down I'm probably a mess. I've realized that just not thinking about the bad stuff actually makes my life so much better and my mind stay super clear. Sometimes it's hard for me to stay optimistic and stay positive when something triggers my ill feelings, but I always somehow overcome it.
Right now I'm thinking to myself that I wish I had an instruction manual to my life because it's come to the point where I want to go in almost every door opened to me. But I can't. I've got to limit my e.c. for next year so I can focus on school and church more. Sighs. SENIOR YEAR IS NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Planned E.C.:
I spend almost everyday doing things for school, church, piano students, friends, and family, yet I still have time to make myself happy. Whether it's an unhealthy snack, or jumping on one food I always mange to be happy. Externally, I'm a really happy and positive person. Even internally, but deep deep down I'm probably a mess. I've realized that just not thinking about the bad stuff actually makes my life so much better and my mind stay super clear. Sometimes it's hard for me to stay optimistic and stay positive when something triggers my ill feelings, but I always somehow overcome it.
Right now I'm thinking to myself that I wish I had an instruction manual to my life because it's come to the point where I want to go in almost every door opened to me. But I can't. I've got to limit my e.c. for next year so I can focus on school and church more. Sighs. SENIOR YEAR IS NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Planned E.C.:
- Senior Class Prez
- Key Club Member
- Robotics Member
- NHS Vice President or Secretary
- Math Club Member
Other
- Adult Organist
- Binhi Officer
- Piano Teacher
I've actually had free time for myself more lately since exams are getting closer so less homework. I'm working up a schedule to study every single day at least for 20 minutes!:]
LoveLifeStatus: FML, why do I always feel unimportant?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
To give up or not to give up.
Today I was reminded of what I've been fighting for since October 20th, 2009th at 7:33 a.m. We were so close, close to just giving up. But Laurie's comment to keep on fighting like rejuiced my head. Sighs. I hate her. We sat in sushi right after school and it was like he overhead my convo with Laurie that he wanted to give up and all. I won't go into detail, but we decided to still take a chance. It seems like no matter how close it feels to end, it's always just another beginning or chapter in our super funny relationship. Once I told him was Laurie said, he got up, put his arm around me and told me he loved me.
Freaking loser. Made my heart melt. He asked me, "Did u miss our hugs?" I said "No" He asked like three more times and I kept laughing saying no. He asked me, "Did u miss me?" I said "No, only for one day which was yesterday when I was on the plane because of the stupid lovey dovey movies." He laughed. We got kicked out of Sushi place and so we walked to Quizno's to just talk more and all.
I told him I didn't want to jump into anything so quickly because I'm still traumatized from the week away and I just need to take babysteps. He asked to hold my hand, I laughed and said "No, you're crazy." Hahahahhaa. Seeing him reminded me what I've been fighting to have this past year and a half; HIM. I realize I never give up on anything. I don't give up easily unfortunately. I never broke up wtih guys unless I had a legitamate reason like cheating, lying, not working out because we're both just not feeling it, etc. Deveon and I just can't really find any big reasons besides God that could break us up. I really wish that something was wrong about him to me, but I just can't really. The only thing I really find unattractive would be his nose, the only thing I really find unappealing about his personality is when he cusses. Everything I don't mind or just love about him.
I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship because I'm busy, but really I don't think I could live being single. Freaking eff, I've been with guys for so long that not being in one just makes me fall right into the next guy. So annoying. But today when Deveon said out of his mouth "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think we can work out any longer." I really just fell in a pit of lions and was ready to stop altogether of being with guys. I mapped a plan while he was talking on ways to stay away from boys that could potentially like me, and ways to not like guys (cuz I'm pretty good at that), and excuses to avoid telling a guy I don't want to like him or be with him because I'm just done hurting ppl, and getting hurt. When I told Harold I'm finished, I really thought I was done with Devere, but I'm not. It's not because I love him, I'm staying because everyday has been a new experience and we've been side by side trying to overocme these experiences to be with each other whether love was illustrated or not. We've only said the "L" word once on the phone on accident, and once in person outside the bus stop after our afterschool date, and today when he said it even if I didn't say it back.
He may not be my Prince Charming, or my Knight in Shining Armor. But he is my Deveon, and I'm going to keep it that way right now. There may be someone better for me, but what I want right now is D and no one else. If I wanted someone else I wouldn't be with Deveon, seriously. Well, time to work.
W/Love,
M.N.M.
Freaking loser. Made my heart melt. He asked me, "Did u miss our hugs?" I said "No" He asked like three more times and I kept laughing saying no. He asked me, "Did u miss me?" I said "No, only for one day which was yesterday when I was on the plane because of the stupid lovey dovey movies." He laughed. We got kicked out of Sushi place and so we walked to Quizno's to just talk more and all.
I told him I didn't want to jump into anything so quickly because I'm still traumatized from the week away and I just need to take babysteps. He asked to hold my hand, I laughed and said "No, you're crazy." Hahahahhaa. Seeing him reminded me what I've been fighting to have this past year and a half; HIM. I realize I never give up on anything. I don't give up easily unfortunately. I never broke up wtih guys unless I had a legitamate reason like cheating, lying, not working out because we're both just not feeling it, etc. Deveon and I just can't really find any big reasons besides God that could break us up. I really wish that something was wrong about him to me, but I just can't really. The only thing I really find unattractive would be his nose, the only thing I really find unappealing about his personality is when he cusses. Everything I don't mind or just love about him.
I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship because I'm busy, but really I don't think I could live being single. Freaking eff, I've been with guys for so long that not being in one just makes me fall right into the next guy. So annoying. But today when Deveon said out of his mouth "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think we can work out any longer." I really just fell in a pit of lions and was ready to stop altogether of being with guys. I mapped a plan while he was talking on ways to stay away from boys that could potentially like me, and ways to not like guys (cuz I'm pretty good at that), and excuses to avoid telling a guy I don't want to like him or be with him because I'm just done hurting ppl, and getting hurt. When I told Harold I'm finished, I really thought I was done with Devere, but I'm not. It's not because I love him, I'm staying because everyday has been a new experience and we've been side by side trying to overocme these experiences to be with each other whether love was illustrated or not. We've only said the "L" word once on the phone on accident, and once in person outside the bus stop after our afterschool date, and today when he said it even if I didn't say it back.
He may not be my Prince Charming, or my Knight in Shining Armor. But he is my Deveon, and I'm going to keep it that way right now. There may be someone better for me, but what I want right now is D and no one else. If I wanted someone else I wouldn't be with Deveon, seriously. Well, time to work.
W/Love,
M.N.M.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Three words describing my break: Better. Than. Yours.
Don't worry says the heart, and be strong says my head. This break has opened my eyes to many things I should've done different. Don't think I regret anything it's just I've done some things in my life that I should've done a different way haha.
There's something that the admissions interviewer said to me "Life goes on. You've got to learn to fail in high school and college before you embrace real life. If you're going to be a doctor, someone will die on your table. If you become a lawyer, you will lose a case. If you become a tax collector, someone will try to sue you. Some kids come here to Hopkins saying they want this, this, and this. My structured plan will be this, and I'm to be that in this. What they don't know is that college isn't the end for you where you can finalize your life, it's just the beginning. You've got to learn to fail in college before you fail in life, or else it'll just be more painful. Everything at first will be the most painful or great. Life just goes on."
Right now I keep thinking it's the end of the world, but it really isn't. It may be the end of the world in that one moment, but worse could happen. Always, worse could happen. I've got to stop bringing myself down and doubting the things and people then it will really be the end fo the world for me. There are so many perspectives of single objects and opinions, goodness. I've just got to stay understanding and control my emotions and bias. Well, back to watching korean drama.
W/Love, M.N.M.
There's something that the admissions interviewer said to me "Life goes on. You've got to learn to fail in high school and college before you embrace real life. If you're going to be a doctor, someone will die on your table. If you become a lawyer, you will lose a case. If you become a tax collector, someone will try to sue you. Some kids come here to Hopkins saying they want this, this, and this. My structured plan will be this, and I'm to be that in this. What they don't know is that college isn't the end for you where you can finalize your life, it's just the beginning. You've got to learn to fail in college before you fail in life, or else it'll just be more painful. Everything at first will be the most painful or great. Life just goes on."
Right now I keep thinking it's the end of the world, but it really isn't. It may be the end of the world in that one moment, but worse could happen. Always, worse could happen. I've got to stop bringing myself down and doubting the things and people then it will really be the end fo the world for me. There are so many perspectives of single objects and opinions, goodness. I've just got to stay understanding and control my emotions and bias. Well, back to watching korean drama.
W/Love, M.N.M.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A Break.
Finally, I'm getting ready to leave for the airport at 9:30, and my flight leaves for Maryland at 12:30. Goodness, my first university interview is on Tuesday at 1:30 with John Hopkins, and then I have a UPenn tour on Wednesday. I'm so up for this! Not just that, but I'm ready to leave this state and these people (no offense) and just relax finally and be able to get some space.
Last night Devere and I got in a fight, what a dork. He freaking can't keep up with me, and it's starting to really annoy me. We were going to plan to talk at least for a good morning, and good night every day or so, but he pissed me off last night. He just doens't get it, and I'm not sure why. What guy doesn't want to show that he cares to a person he apparently loves? I'm tired of being on the tight end where I know what I want and what to do because it's what I want to do. I'm tired of being the lovesick puppy. I'm tired of being the only who loves someone in the relationship. I'm tired of wondering and guessing how the other feels. I'm tired of being the only one thinking about the other with tenderness and heartfelt manner. And I'm definitely tired of not being treated the way I need to be. It's not like I freaking ask for anything. Just miss me when I'm gone, and be excited when I talk to you, how hard is that? Goodness, freaking lucky to have is all I have to say. I don't follow my high standards, and I know I could do better, but I'm with you because I love you and you're what I want right NOW.
I just wish these words would go through his head by now. As happy as he makes me, these small fights mean something to me. And I usually would forgive and forget by now, but something feels different. I'm much stronger now and realize that I'm a great girl who's pretty amazing. I may not be beautiful or extremely pretty but I'm an awesome person likes deep conversations, and stunning sceneries. I'm ready to leave my crazy hectic life, and live for eight days completely stress free. I'm really going to miss my friends and my comfy bed, but I'll come back anyways.
Time to pack the rest of my stuff. Goodbye, Seattle.
W/Love, M.N.M.
Last night Devere and I got in a fight, what a dork. He freaking can't keep up with me, and it's starting to really annoy me. We were going to plan to talk at least for a good morning, and good night every day or so, but he pissed me off last night. He just doens't get it, and I'm not sure why. What guy doesn't want to show that he cares to a person he apparently loves? I'm tired of being on the tight end where I know what I want and what to do because it's what I want to do. I'm tired of being the lovesick puppy. I'm tired of being the only who loves someone in the relationship. I'm tired of wondering and guessing how the other feels. I'm tired of being the only one thinking about the other with tenderness and heartfelt manner. And I'm definitely tired of not being treated the way I need to be. It's not like I freaking ask for anything. Just miss me when I'm gone, and be excited when I talk to you, how hard is that? Goodness, freaking lucky to have is all I have to say. I don't follow my high standards, and I know I could do better, but I'm with you because I love you and you're what I want right NOW.
I just wish these words would go through his head by now. As happy as he makes me, these small fights mean something to me. And I usually would forgive and forget by now, but something feels different. I'm much stronger now and realize that I'm a great girl who's pretty amazing. I may not be beautiful or extremely pretty but I'm an awesome person likes deep conversations, and stunning sceneries. I'm ready to leave my crazy hectic life, and live for eight days completely stress free. I'm really going to miss my friends and my comfy bed, but I'll come back anyways.
Time to pack the rest of my stuff. Goodbye, Seattle.
W/Love, M.N.M.
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