No One Else.

I don't think anyone even uses Blogger anymore. They've moved on to Twitter, Tumblr, and other online things that I haven't updated myself with. It's kind of hard to keep up, honestly.

It's the prime time of my senior year and I'm just living it. I am enjoying high school as Senior Class Prez, chilling with my IB buds, staying connected with Fab, and saving time with family as much as I can. I've been worried so much lately about colleges, IB exams, and money. It's just all been a little overhwhelming, but with the help of God and prayer, I know that everything will be okay.

Right now, I like someone. It's there, but not too strong. He's sweet, but every other guy I know is capable of being sweet. I just wish that I didn't have such a cynical view on love, relationships, and boys in general. I told him I liked him last Thursday, and it got awkward over the weekend. Then we saw each other today, and everything seems fine. He just left Skype to go to sleep because his Mum came home. His parents really shelter him.:[ It's really sad that his social life is barred practically, but it'll be okay. You know why? It's because I'm here now! And I'm going to help him out whether I'm here as his friend or the girl that likes him haha. I feel bad because I have to act like I don't like him to make things even and casual, but it's for our own good. I have to think of church, and he has to think of his life. I honestly feel like the worst will happen if we pursue anything together, like disaster is inevitable, but whatever. We agreed the night I told him that I like him that we'd just stay low and now do anything because I don't want anything more as friends at this point and he doens't want to stress me out with all that goes on with me anyway. For a Sophomore, he's pretty mature, but he's still a sophomore hahaha. EW, I'm a COUGAR. Anyways, gotta work on TOK.

Night!

It's Never Easy.

Hey haha. So I'm at a sleepover where my friends slept on me and I'm the last to go to sleep. I'm just too thankful for them and what God has done for me this week. Crazy crap has been happening to my family and I, I thought I was going suicidal or some random teenager emotions. Honestly, even if they annoy me or lose faith sometimes, I'll never give up on the Fab6 or any friendships I have. What's odd is I know a lot of people and do have a lot of best friends. Its not a bad thing but not necessarily a good thing either. I get close to people. It happens.

Heart: currently liking Beaver, but not looking for a relationship at all. Strictly no commitment and whatsoever. I can't go through it again dude, no joke haha.

Job: trying.

IB HW: starting, ahahahahahahHahahahahahahahaha.

Family: working at it.

Me: loving my life, not really liking myself but I'll cope and manage.:D

Time for bed,
Cow.

On a Thursday Evening.

My junior year is over.
I'm single.
Fab6 is basically reunited.
And I'm job hunting.

It's hard to believe that I'm where I'm at. It's surprising when I think of all the accomplishments I've made. I've been spending so much time with the girls and Justin, it really has been the best beginning of my summer except like two things. Stupid boys, and SAT score. Sighs, whatever.

Senior is about to be cracking dude, NO JOKE.

Summer:

• Make a new friend


• Get a job


• Lose four pounds


• Get my me a 4-PACK of ABS


• Save up to $350


• Set my schedule to finish all my IB stuff on time


• Just relax


• Prepare for college


• Perform as Adult Organist for the first time

Let's get this party started.

I Only Wish.

That whoever I end up with for the rest of my life will be someone who can take care of me. All my life I've had to do things all on my own with guidance from God, parents, and friends. I give so much for people and my community, what I really want in return is something in equal.

I'm tired of being treated wrong and guys' BS. I may be the heartbreaker, but I leave for good reasons; cheat, lies, fakeness, unappreciative, and cruel. It's not my friend's job to be here for me 24/7, if it was, well I wouldn't know because I've never really had that. I haven't given up on my friends yet and I'm very grateful that they haven't given up on me.

If only, if only.
Like road and car, they work together to bring each other to places.
Rumbing wildly, black takes over the trees.
And all that's left is a single beating heart.

It's Surprising.

How I feel so good right now where I am. There used to be days where I'd cry and cry because of a boy, or because I didn't believe in myself. But since I'm such a chameleon, I learn new things everyday and adapt to my surroundings.

Right now I'm with EstherYang, and SandraLee. MarianneRojas left a half hour ago, and I already miss her. We went to my house after EE meeting, ordered Chinese food, Sandra and I ran to FortuneCookieRestaurant to pick it up, then walked back to home with Sandra, then ate yummy food, cleaned, watched Silent Library, baked cake and brownes, Marianne left, and now we're sitting down watching Silent Library still haha. It's days like these that remind me that I'm not so crazy for taking IB because I have some pretty close people in IB who always have my back no matter what. I also feel like the girls needed this breathing as much as I did.

RIGHT NOW I'm currently not really liking anyone except I'm interested in this guy who is someone I used to be with, but unfortunately I don't think he's interested and plus I've never really tried long distance before.

Lately I've been thinking that I should be friends with D, but I don't think he'd want to. He's the kind to hold grudges and put on greaze mode for as long as he wants. Maybe I should have a darker side to keep up with that, but I really don't care. It really hurts that he won't tell me why he left, but I've just got to accept it. I'm not made for relationships in this time of my life. As much as I love having someone there to call Sweetie, talk all night, and chill whenever we want, that's what I got family and friends for, for now. Hahha.

I feel like running. I feel like laughng. I feel like just gong around the world! I love what I'm doing in my life right now, it's so crazy. What's been kind of weird is all of the people who are down around me. Not only are my IB buds getting down, but my other friends are really not believing in themselves and want to reach the end of their line. I want to help, but I'm also busy with trying to stay levelled in my life. Sighs, but even if I'm busy I'd never give up. For some reason, I like keeping my friends and people I know close to me. Maybe it's because I like being social, but at the same time I really like being an individual. I'm an individual in the crowd.

Time to go study history with Yang and Lee!

Nikki.

Lucky.

The song they sung when they realized we're here for each other.

I love my girls haha.

This is me...

Letting go.

If I dwell on the past and blame myself for everything, a darkness will grow inside me and I'll never be able to look to the future and live in the present. I don't have any regrets. There's a reason why everything has happened, and now it's led me to this moment. Goodbye past, hello future.

Landscape.

4:03 pm

The green, the blue, the brown, the dull yellow-- it all looks so new yet they're colors I've peered at all throughout my life. The view is beautiful from my window view in the back of the car. it's been about three hours or so that we've been driving to home from Spokane. Kuya Josin and cousin Mark are asleep, and Mikey, my annoying younger brother, is trying to busy himself with my Mum's iPhone figuring out Sudoku.

The crevices in the walls surrounding the Grand Coulee Dam are so carved so exactly that I just want to fit myself in one of those little cracks and see how long it would take until someone found me among all the other cracks. I guess I want to take a picure, but I know that my phone sucks enoguh that it'd be just a blur next to my face. Staring down into the water as my dad drives 65mph, I realize that we're really going home--home to go back to my house, studying for school, practicing organ for church, and just back to regular life. Even if I'm just a teenage girl ready to take on the world, I still am prohibited to do anything outside of my parents' regulations. I guess I miss my friends, and my bed, but whether it be a weekend away to three months away I enjoy it more than being home in Kent.

When I'm older I want to travel, but I want a family at the same time. I guess my conclusions drawn are that I can really do both unless God's will is that I can do both.

I notice the rain drilling into the farmer's grounds on my left, and clear blue skies on my right; reminds me of my life really haha. Lately, my life's just been, what's the word, simple yet busy. Simple because nothing remotely dramatic or drastic has happened, and busy because of all the upcoming events that are rolling up this months. I have my birthday in two weeks, and I cannot wait! NO JOKE!

Birthday Wish List:

• Charmed Seasons #1-4


• Any books by Isabel Allende


• Summer clothes


• MONEY

Time to go and study. Funny how just thinking about the landscapes on the way home triggered interesting thoughts.

W/Love,
Nikki.

I just can't get it all out.

There is so much on my mind and my plate right now. I know I'm busy when I forget places I'm suppose to be and people I'm suppose to go to or call. It's just too much. I'm on the brink of my madness, but I can't let it get to me no matter how much I want to scream, cry, or blow up. It's Holy Supper week, it might be a test of faith. Gotta breathe.

#[

Imaginary Words W/Meaning.

I think about you everyday.
Sometimes I don't think, I could just get away... from you.
I think about you, and how much I love you.
I'm not lying when, I'm not lying when I say I think about youuuu everyday.

Chapter 23458762829450204 of my life.

I've always wondered what if two people could be destined for each other. I mean, I can't really say anything because I'm not even close to the age of wise and counsel. Even if I've had my share fo guys and experience, it doesn't compare to decades of loving someone or losing someone. Sometimes I wonder why my generation take relationships so seriously or so carelessly. When I mean my generation, I mean 10-20 year olds. I feel like a hypocrite cause I'm technically in a relationship, and am so happy and giddy all the time that I just want to fly to Paris just to eat chocolate pancakes or boulangeries-patisseries.

Why do people fall in love? I mean, is it because of the whole "need to reproduce" thing or what? And you know what's even worse? Freaking love is amazing. It is just freaking awesome, even if my experience involved pain, it still was a beautiful thing to me. Sighs, just when I look back at how I was when I loved ____, it makes me want to cover the hole in my heart, but oddly enough that whole is patched up with a remedy called Deveon, haha. Someone asked me what is love and sometimes I don't think I should ever answer. Because I've only experienced it where it was one-sided as in I was the only one who felt anything and the other side felt, well nothing.

I hope two-sided love is just as wonderful as I believe it to be.

Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.
Goodness gracious.

Time to PMS,
M.N.M.

:D

People.

It's choice whether to give up on someone or not. It's a choice whether to leave someone or stay. People confuse the definition between responsibility and blame always, and never ever try to look it up in the dictionary.

Good night,
Seattle.

What is love?

The very question that haunts my existence. I am a teenage girl who's survived through too much. What I remember most about growing up that has led to this very moment is that faith all you need in any circumstance. I've always wanted so much, and has strived for those things, but the one thing that I've wanted that I strived for was love; and incoincidentally it is the one thing I haven't had.

Tears fall from my face when I think about how I was in love with Von. I was stupid, and weak at the heart. I groveled for three years, and I can't take it back. I was immature to believe that someone like me could even fall in love, and the fact that I thought I'd be lonely forever and that there'd be no one ever to make me happy trapped me into the pit of despair. I did love Von, but to this very day I still don't even know who he is. And I want to cry because what exactly is love? In my very heart I believe it to be of the most sincerest emotion, with such evanescence of the mind, and peace of the soul. Isn't love tweeting of brids in the spring air, or the caring wisp of a river? I don't even know and that makes me scared. I'm not meant for love, but that makes me hypocritical because I have faith that everyone has the ability to love. The reason I can still settle with other guys, or find another heart is because I'm still searching for him. I'm scared I'll just pass him, or walk right past him and I won't even see him.

Love has made me bitter.
Love has made me forget what it's like to believe in a man.
Love has helped me get through the tougest breaks.
Love has made me believe you can fly.

But there's a catch to love; happiness. You can love someone and not be happy. Or you could be happy and not love them. Is there any way God can bless us with both? I pray to God almost every night that I will blessed with a happy love.

You know what makes me sad? How people in the pursuit of love, allow themselves to get hurt. I never knew my Mum felt the way she felt.. I thought she was happy. But I was wrong. Why do people hurt each other? Why they make others cry or make them mad? That's not love. That's horror. The people of God deserve so much yet we abuse the abilities that He bestows onto us. I will stop crying right now. I will keep my eyes forward, ears open, and heart ready. I will pray tonight.

W/Love,
MNM.

Psychology Results!

Extroversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Neuroticism results were moderately low which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Psychoticism results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).

I like this. Haha.

I feel very positive right now!

Watashi was totemo genki desu!

Back2Normal.

Dude, everything feels different but the same at the same time haha.

School is over and I'm really glad to have had Sophomore year finally end. It was one of the most ridonkulous school years EVER! Ahaha. I'm still awaiting my job opening from Mathnasium and so far am chilling at home haha.

Don't have real big plans for the summer except for tons of hangouts, study sessions, Cali in August, and CHURCH!:P Ahaha.

Back to watching Korean Drama.

I <3 the world.

W/Love,
M.N.M.

Review Summary.

Thursday: FAC through a super amazing birthday celebration. Pamela gave me a tear-jerking speech. Everyone brought food, and they even kicked out people who aren't FAC or allowed to be there haha. Pamela's going to be a strong leader when she grows up, she's like a mini-me. Hahaha. Announced the new officers; Ronald&Kerlyn for Co-Ps, Charlene for Secretary, Pamela for Treasurer, and Angelo for VidProducer. That bday party was the first time anyone ever planned anything for me. Ahaha. Then went to Deveon's Grandma's house for the first time. Played games on iTouch, ate dinner, and taught Keith.

Friday: Spent whole day with Family in Seattle, went to the Symphony Orchestra (Dude! I want to learn how to play cello!), came home and went straight to cleaning the house and partied the rest of the night with my freaking amazing Tech Friends and KW Girls. Hahaha. Dude, we played Limbo, opened presents, said one thing people liked and didn't like about me, and ate food. Oh yeah and the Tale of Desperaux! Haha. Then parents canceled the me going to the beach to count down with Kuya but it's all good. But the worse part came right before midnight... Which is something else...

Saturday: Woke up feeling kinda sad because of that thing but it's all good. Because "___________" happened, screaming and arguing happened the whole morning and afternoon. Deveon came over to cheer me up and we hung out playing Monopoly the rest of the day until I left for church. WHOO, CHURCH!

Sunday: Church, church, Lauren, Saturation Drive, Binhi Mtg, BEAST VID!, Bday Party, Basketball Practice, Bday Party, Exhaustion.

Monday: Horrible day. No comment.

Tuesday: Great Day.

Wednesday: Great Day. Aced Kanji Test!

Thursday: I love FAC.

TODAY! Can't wait for the GEM!:D

Okie.

So I've just noticed that after I read any of my blog entries it doens't sound like me. How can I make the things I type out sound like what's going on in my head? I haven't been very thoughtful in Blogger. Dude, I need to start actually writing what's in my mind hahahaha.

So currently I'm working on Fisher's project. I actually like it because I'm finally researching thigns that are given to me in straightforward directions and feel like I'm learning. Plus my topic is perfect for what I want to look at; the Health Care Crisis!! Hahahaha.

My weekend was pretty okay.
Friday; Yugioh Tournie, Basketball Practice.
Saturday; Home, TalkW/Mum, Pedicure, Church.
Sunday; Church, Church, Bball Practice, FeelingSickatHome, VAJA.

I noticed this morning that I can't hold grudges... I'll get mad and frustrated for like 14 minutes straight and vent in my head or to someone, then completely get over it. Unless someone brings that painful event again and wants to talk about it, then that frustration builds again ahha. I'm like counting down to when school ends. I need to pick up my grades, dude! No joke. Haha. Gotta bring up Fisher's and Coble's then I got all A's and A-'s. Goodness gracious.


On a Personal Note:
GONNA BE the 1-6 this SATURDAY! WOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

I've been thinking.

And I like what I'm thinking. :]

Day of Remembrance

I hit several realizations...

• Moment of Lucid Smiles; I served at the Annual Kiwanis Senior Breakfast 7am-10am today with the Key Clubbers. It was amazing. We set up all the tables and served the food. We even "performed" our Key Club cheer in front of all the seniors. I snuck out of the house this morning to go to this event because I forgot to tell my parents, and I didn't want to cancel on James E. Being scared out of my wits, my Mum called my at 9:30 screaming, screaming, screaming. Not because I left, but because I didn't wash the dishes. Interesting, right? Her exact words, "Why the hell did you forget to wash the d*** dishes? You care more about your devotiosn and promises to friends and school events verses your own family and house. Etc." Sighs. I shouldn't have shed any tears, but the truth in her words hurt emotionally.
  My thoughts; I'll keep that to myself.
• Moment of Athleticism; Had first basketball practice since a year ago. It felt great, but I confounded that it's just like Track, YOU NEED TO WORK GOOD FOR IT! Likewise, I think we had a rough beneficial start today. :D
  My thoughts; I'm anxious for the upcoming practices and the tournament itself.
• Moment of Boredom; Got home and took a nap for three hours. So woke up around 4:00. Took a shower and felt supremely bored. So I emailed a few teachers asking if I could do any extra research or be prepared for any upcoming assignments. And Fisher responded thank goodness haha. Worked on Reed's trigonometric derivations while watching TV for another three hours. AMAZING! Haha.
  My thoughts; I really want to get straight A's for this Semester. It's so close I could taste it. I just have 3 A-'s. They're all close to an A by like 1.4 off each A-. But the thing is I don't really care. Because I really just don't. My teachers are beginning to understand me that way. I told most of them all about it, except Coble and Roller. I love learning, that's why I've never really had straight A's because I didn't focus on the letter grade or percentage accuracy, but made sure that I whatever I turned in I knew exactly what I was turning in, and how I got to that way. I came with a recent realization last week that learning vs. the grade, I'd rather have the learning. The learning is more useful when I'm in college or the real world. I will of course explain that throughly to colleges when I meet the administrators.

Lately, all I can think about the future. Boeing gave me a secret way to keep myself organized. It's called the WIP/OnDeck/Hold List procedure. Haha. I'll explain that later on. I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I have the whole marriage, kids, time management thing already figured out. But the occupation is the only thing screwing up my plans because I'm still not sure what I want to be. And I'm scared. SO scared that I won't be able to figure it out all in time. I want to do something where I can make a mark on either history or be remembered somehwere.

Have you ever been with someone where you weren't with them? This can be defined in two ways. Where two people are together but netiher one of them know that each other's presence is present, or only one person knows of the other person's present. The second one is where the two people have a bond with one another but do not announce a title of the present attraction. This both has to do with presence and non-presence.
i.e. You are reading this blog right now, and I could be reading it too. Interesting, right?

Another matter of subject; the meaning of words. Why do people always say things, promise things, tell you things that they don't even keep to word? If they really wanted wanted to mean what they say, why don't they just do it? Instead of waiting around for others to tell them what they're doing right or wrong. Sighs. I've come across this circumstance many times in my life, and several times this week. Why do you promise me something and then either you break it or not fulfill it!?!?!? You make me wants to cry, obviously though... You already have that sense. You mean so much to me, why would I lie and not mean what I say?

I feel normal again. Haha. After my day of relaxation and boredom. Ahaha. Well on the phone with Deveon, blog another day.

I agree!

http://www.uni.illinois.edu/og/blog/opinions/2008/09/getting-grade-vs-learning

By Recathi Maturi Published: Saturday, September 20, 2008 - 12:10am

As a student I've frequently found myself asking, "Which do I care more about, the grade or learning?"

As much as I would love to answer, "The learning, of course," I think that I truthfully care more about my grade more than actually learning the material.

For tests I tend to memorize dates and flowcharts without understanding why we use that formula or what the significance of the date is. Is that a good thing? Is it better for me to get an A and not remember the material in a year or is it better for me to learn the material eventually but get a C and end up remembering it my whole life?

In today's society I personally find that there is more emphasis placed on the grade than the learning. To be successful one has to go to college, and to go to college one has to have good grades. People don't care about whether you understand the material or not, they just care about how you did on the test.

Some people learn material slower or faster than others, but by the end of the unit everyone is expected to take the test. It doesn't strike me as fair that one's knowledge is supposed to reflect their performance on the test. Not everyone is a good test taker. Some people know everything about the subject, but when they take the test they just don't do as well as they could.

So, I ask you, what do you care more about? What you got on the test or what you learned?