Friends always matter.

"I think you should move on. It's not about who's better and that you deserve better. (the truth is, you deserve more) but my main point is, if a guy is treating you like that, it's time to just move on and not give a crap. You had it good before and you guys may still share smiles and good times, but that was the past. How much longer do you think you can hold in the pain and think about the past good memories, to survive this relationship? It's time to make room for yourself and not have to worry about him, because after everything you've done for him, he deserves to be left. That's the best yuo can do for him too, if you truly care for him. He's going to have to learn from pain and the hard way, and you're the only person that can show him that."

Thank you, friend.

I guess I'm still blind. I mean at least I'm getting better. Yesterday I was bawling in my bed saying that just one more chance will silence me. If I could try just once more and if it doesn't work out then it's proven. But I've never given up, I don't give up. When I want something, I try my hardest to get it unless other alternatives show up. I'm telling you now that I guess I didn't care if he's done less or more because I loved him. Love is defined as loving flaw and perfections, but I guess he just couldn't my flaws and perfections. I will try to move on, but I'm just going to bury it deep inside me because I know better will come. And right now out of all the times, I have to focus on me. You ask me what I've wanted so much out of him and I? It's just him. To be around him, be able to smell him and hug him, make fun of his teeth, or just watch cartoons laughing at nothing. That's what I wanted. Because I don't ask for much, but there are times where I've just asked to be taken out and spent money on because I'm still a girl haha. He's the only guy who's dealt with me for so long and stayed by my side, all the rest messed up and left. And I guess I thought he was staying because he really meant that he loved me, but I guess I was fooled. Or who knows? Up until now I still have more questions to ask him, but I must stay strong. I know I can get through this, friend. I know I can.

He must be happier, and I've got to accept that because I'd rather him be happy whether he's with me or not.

W/Love,
Nikki.

Sick on a Saturday Morning.

I woke up with the sun blinding my own curtain blinds.
I know I'm ending the day with my own smile on my face.

Did I really see your heart?
Rather I step away long ago.
I know that I don't regret loving you.

But I wish I only knew.
Loving you I will have to tuck away.

A Break.

Finally, I'm getting ready to leave for the airport at 9:30, and my flight leaves for Maryland at 12:30. Goodness, my first university interview is on Tuesday at 1:30 with John Hopkins, and then I have a UPenn tour on Wednesday. I'm so up for this! Not just that, but I'm ready to leave this state and these people (no offense) and just relax finally and be able to get some space.
Last night Devere and I got in a fight, what a dork. He freaking can't keep up with me, and it's starting to really annoy me. We were going to plan to talk at least for a good morning, and good night every day or so, but he pissed me off last night. He just doens't get it, and I'm not sure why. What guy doesn't want to show that he cares to a person he apparently loves? I'm tired of being on the tight end where I know what I want and what to do because it's what I want to do. I'm tired of being the lovesick puppy. I'm tired of being the only who loves someone in the relationship. I'm tired of wondering and guessing how the other feels. I'm tired of being the only one thinking about the other with tenderness and heartfelt manner. And I'm definitely tired of not being treated the way I need to be. It's not like I freaking ask for anything. Just miss me when I'm gone, and be excited when I talk to you, how hard is that? Goodness, freaking lucky to have is all I have to say. I don't follow my high standards, and I know I could do better, but I'm with you because I love you and you're what I want right NOW.
I just wish these words would go through his head by now. As happy as he makes me, these small fights mean something to me. And I usually would forgive and forget by now, but something feels different. I'm much stronger now and realize that I'm a great girl who's pretty amazing. I may not be beautiful or extremely pretty but I'm an awesome person likes deep conversations, and stunning sceneries. I'm ready to leave my crazy hectic life, and live for eight days completely stress free. I'm really going to miss my friends and my comfy bed, but I'll come back anyways.

Time to pack the rest of my stuff. Goodbye, Seattle.

W/Love, M.N.M.

Imaginary Words W/Meaning.

I think about you everyday.
Sometimes I don't think, I could just get away... from you.
I think about you, and how much I love you.
I'm not lying when, I'm not lying when I say I think about youuuu everyday.