I just can't get it all out.

There is so much on my mind and my plate right now. I know I'm busy when I forget places I'm suppose to be and people I'm suppose to go to or call. It's just too much. I'm on the brink of my madness, but I can't let it get to me no matter how much I want to scream, cry, or blow up. It's Holy Supper week, it might be a test of faith. Gotta breathe.

#[

WOOT WOOT!

WE DID IT! MUAH! YESH! FINALLY DONE! WE'RE SO BAWB!

Tonight was Kent-Meridian Technology Academy's Multicultural Night and it was a hit. I was Performance Manager, Cue Director, Balut Eating Contest Mike, and part of the F.A.C. performance. It was amazing. I invited the beautiful Mara and satisfied Trek's needs. Haha. I've missed Mara so much, oh my goodness!!! I'm so glad I got to see her today and surprise peeps. WOOT WOOT! Even though I wasn't able to hang out, I was glad to a part of an event that put smiles and laughs on people's faces

My Favorite Parts:

-When I realized how much I was needed. I'm not overexagerating or anything, but I was called almost everywhere. WOOT WOOT x2!
-Buying the fans; Tanvir agreed to helping me find fans. Dang Cheska told me we'd have them! But it's okay, I talked to her about it. Even though it didn't seem like she was in control, she was just as stressed out as all of us were. Tanvir and I went to Party City, Target, Top Foods, Ross, Jhoann's, and finally Dollar Tree. They all didn't have anything except DOLLAR TREE! I'm so going to go there for everything from now on. Haha.
-Seeing Sandra on stage with her Koreans peoplez, I LOVE HER!!!!! It was super cute with Cindy doing swords, cartwheels, and you know. Haha.
-TINIKLING/CARINOSA performance. Even if I was scared, it happened, and it went very well. I was super happy. We got volunteers like Rykiel, Toby, Lisa M, and MR'HARTLEY! YESH! That part was funny. Haha.
-Balut Eating Contest; Camillo won for the students, Mrs. Drake won for the adults! WOOT!
-Seeing his face in the crowd. :] Worth it.
-Seeing my parents on the side. :D Even more worth it.
-Exhilaration that it was finally over and everyone congratulating me and saying I did a good job. WOOT WOOT x3! Hahahaha.

Track Season starts next Monday. Am I pumped? That's a check to the yesh.

Shout out to Mr. Hartley!:]

Attaining Amazingness.

Finals next week. What to do? What to do? Gotta study, gotta study. That's all I have to do.
Chemistry+English=Tuesday.
Japanese+PresentHistory=Thursday.
Math+PresentVidProd=Friday.
Goodness gracious, goodness gracious, goodness gracious, here I am.
Implore me that I'll do good and my goals will be fulfilled.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
Just gotta remain hopeful, just gotta remain focal (focused=).

Balance out, breathe in and out, lean forward and back, take a deep breath.
WOOT WOOT!
Finals next week. What to do? What to do? Gotta study, gotta study. That's all I have to do.


p.s. You better leave me alone. If you dare distract me any time next week, I will scream at you no matter how much respect I am suppose to give you. I am not going to be in the mood to tend to your needs or make sure you're okay because yous out of most people probably want me to ace these exams. I'm going to pray every night, sleep early, and get some good meals. Love you and will see you in a few,

M.N.M.

Take the Steering Wheel.

Why is it gone? Why can't I maintain that determination I once had? It's like I see the world in a way more different view. I'm pessimistic and think constantly low of myself. That drive to be good at things and succeed has disappeared. I can actually say that school is hard.

Why can I type on blogger and be at peace, but staring at this stupid graphic organizer I'm so confused. Why do I have a mind that's freaking retarded? God d*****. Whatever.

It's fine.
Is fine even an emotion?

Freaking Riztarded.

Unbelievable. We pulled in the parking lot, and they pressed the button which clicked the camera which flashed.

If only, if only.
If only I wasn't sick today and went to school.
If only I took better care of my body and myself in general before worrying about everyone else's sakes.
If only I woke up earlier and called Emerson earlier.
If only the 10 o clock block wasn't my phone and I would've gotten Jayson's text msg.
If only my dad didn't brush his teeth, change his clothes, check if the house if secure, saved his time without yelling at me for about 5 minutes on how I'm rushing him and am irresponsible for not having anyone remind me earlier.
If only I wasn't me.

Cookies'n'Cream!<:]

I need to relax more... I'm always having the want to cry or hide in a hole. Today I broke down and vented to Jayson D.C.... I didn't mean to, but just at that moment in front of him, I couldn't help it. I need to do soemthing to help myself... I don't care about anything that ahs to do with me. I don't care about the well being of my body or the levels of tiredness, sickness, or illness that affects my body. Lately, I've been getting these chest pains that last 3-4 hours for the past 4 days. Today during 5th period Drake's English class I went to the front of the room to get a highlighter and then my head started throbbing. I gripped the counter next to the bin of highlighters. I thought the throbbing was gone a few seconds later but before I know it I took a deep breath in and AUGHS! The right side of my chest was constricting and I couldn't breath. I slid downwards on the counter and everyone started looking at me. Drake let me run to the bathroom where I had to catch my breath. Sighs. THat lasted for 3 1/2 hours. Sighs. You'd think that I couldn't go through with 3 1/2 hours but it only hurts the moment in the first hour. For the rest of the day I tried my hardest not stress myself out or do anything rigorous. When I got to the carousel around 5:30, I felt much better. But then my Mom had to call me and ruin it all. She was yelling at me that I shouldn't have came to the carousel and should've stayed home. Her exact words, "Your main priority right now should be to get better so you'll be healthy for playing at the Children's Thanksgiving, marching the Adult Processional, and just taking care of your own body. You never take care of yourself because you're too busy running around worrying about other people's problems and being there for others. People don't even care that they stress you out so what's your problem? What makes you think you could go to the carousel when you're sick and etc, etc..." And on she went from there. Sighs. It's whatever. So what if I'm sick? I'm at the carousel to be there as President. If I hate it when people don't show up for what they said they wuold be there for or whatever, what kind of example would I be if I don't show up myself? It's time to chill. I'm going to watch anime, eat chocolate, then eat the Portobella Mushroom pizza that Mum made. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

People who made my day:
Travis Tran, Joanna Wu, and Mr. Wade Barringer. Thank you.

FAC.

How did I become President?

I literally am in love with Filipino American Club. It's my top priority in school besides my studies. The fact that we are not only promoting ourselves throughout our school but through the whole of Kent warms my heart. I can't believe it. With the help of God, Mr. Emerson, and my FAC officers, I don't think we would make it this far. I want to do so much more with us.

Goals:
-Spread to other schools. (Create Filipino Clubs over there!)
-Clean a river instead of a park.
-Provide provisions for hobos or poor kind people in Seattle.
-Find an orphanage and write letters to them from our very own clubmembers.
-etc.

This year helps me see that next year will be auspicious (promising well for the future. I need to expand more on my vocabulary haha. The end of 2009 is coming to a close fast. I got to start thinking of what my goals for 2010 wll be. AUGHS! Haha.

COME ON OUT TO THE CAROUSEL IN DOWNTOWN KENT THIS FRIDAY TO SUPPORT KM'S FAC!
Mr. Barringer, Principal of KM will be chaperoning from 4-6pm. We have Santa to help pass out candy canes and greet the kids from 4-6 also. Then hopefully if the librarian emails me back will be there also to give story time. Please and thank you!

Filipino American Club.

I could that as of today I really saw my club's strengths. I'm so proud of them that I just want to buy all of them candy and desserts haha. Today we had a productive practice led by my stressful love, dear Alison, and then tickets led by me, and just us all working together in ways we mysteriously don't really know. I'm way up for the upcoming Carousel event. We've been planning this thing for about 2 1/2 months now. Tickets be on sell starting on Monday. WOWZAS! This is realy going to happen. I can't believe it. I never thought that the club would reach this high enough potential.

Although I'm very proud and probably could brag for the first time in my life that the club is better than YOURS, haha, we could still do better. Ally, Sandra, Jayson, and I could tell who are the active members. We're building it up and I just can't wait for the rest of the year.

For the carousel, we're reading to kids, dancing the Tinikling, operating the carousel, having a great time, helping out Santa, helping out Rainbow Girls and KW National Honors Society, and just making memories. I'm so proud of the club.
Always reach for your dreams. Never let yourself look down. :D

GO TO MORFORD FAMILY CAROUSEL, DOWNTOWN KENT! Opening Day; November 27th, Friday. Woot woot!

Nice Start, Horrible End.

Great Start:
Today was the ALPSA sponsered 2009 Student Summit on Cultivating Success; Being a leader in a changing world. I woke up at 6:50 to Ally's text msg and got ready and left with Sandisan to the school. Our bus left at 7:30 and we were on our way to UW. It was a really great program. We had breakfast, a kick off sesion, then 3 workshops, lunch, and finally a career fair. I learned a lot of beneficial things, but also some useless material. The whole summit was really fun and interesting. It was a creative learning experience. TU3 had our reuniting day and it was a-we-so-me. Haha. I missed Him all day, but it's okie. Ahhhahahahahaha. But anyways, TU3 took pics with each other and others. Fisher and Andrew are pretty tight haha. Took a nap on the bus ride home around 3:10ish. David took the three of us home. Watched friends and ate Mum's Shepherd's Pie. Went to gym w/Sandisan, then went to Choir Practice. Met Mama B's new guy! He looks cute and sweet, finally a keeper haha. Went home to fold 2 1/2 baskets of clothes that I washed and talked to Giemgiem while I was folding. Awh, I've missed her so much!
I called ChocolateRain after clothes and we talked for like 20 minutes until I practiced my Organ for half an hour like Mum asked me too.

Horrible End:
I call ChocolateRain back, dad comes in 3 minutes later and goes "Where's the phone?" I go "Right here". He takes it. "Dad, it's 10 o clock. And I'm getting off around 11 anyways like Mum asked" "Just give it, all you do is talk on the phone all day and night" I gave it to him. I started bubbling inside. They said that I could keep my phone as long as I have good grades. They always randomly take it. Then I have the stupid freaking 10 o clock block anyways where I can't call or text anyone. What more do they want? I barely use the freaking regular labtop to do what other kids do like stupid Myspace and average Facebook. They don't see me playing gay video games or screwing around doing nothing useless. They always tell me I waste my time on stupid things and dedicating my time to stupid people. It's like they compliment me but in a terrible way.
"Nikki, you're such a nice person but you're not smart for letting others take advantage fo you"
"Nikki, why are you doing a favor for someone who hasn't even talked to you in several days? You're such a giving selfless brat."
"Nikki, you'd rather help everyone else then give a fudge about yourself."

You know what? I'm tired of people like them telline me who I am. Because obviously, I know what my faults and merits are. For goodness sakes, I didn't become some independent weird unique freak for nothing. I sick of not only my parents, but other people whether they're my close friends or not even a friend, judging me and telling me things that I already know but saying it in their voice. I'm sick of always saying yes and doing waht I'm told. I thoguht being dedicated, considerate, and giving were good traits? Apparently they're not if this is the way I feel.
My stupid boyfriend is always being so sweet and kind and as trying his hardest to help me when others would never. Goodness, I told him to stop. Why? Because, I don't ask for help or favors. I asked why does he have to be like this? He said "Because it's the way you're suppose to be treated. Stop being so stubborn, geez." I'm fine doing things on my own, well, it depends on what I guess. I'm the one everyone apparently depends on. Because I keep my promises and do waht I'm told and help as much as I can. If someone calls crying or needs help with a problem, I'm there. But if I'm the one crying or having the problem, never could I say a word.
This is all due to my abnormal stubborn weird self. Sighs. If only, if only. I love how people know me, that this is just they way I am whether or not I like, and still piss me off.

Note to You:
I live under your roof. I tell you everything. I work so you don't have to pay. I get good grades so you only have one child to worry about. I never lie to you so you can trust me. I do my best in everything so you'll never see my worst.
I love you so you'll love me.
Gnite, Mum&&Dad. I'll pray tonight to lessen my anger and find ways to make it up to you.

Postings.

I just overlooked all my entries this year compared to last school year, and last year I was more in depth with what I was going through and what was in "my mind". Why is that? DANG, last year I was hecka stressed out. I still am right now, but I now know how to handle it other than the last years of my life. I've started about 4 entries in the last 2 days but wasn't able to finish them or have the courage to post them up. Now, I will express what's in my head.

Last Thursday, my Mother and I got in an argument in whether I should be in IB or do Running Start. I have nothing against any of the two programs, but I really don't know what to pick. IB provides a huge beneficial learning experience for me and is basically Tech Academy but on paper. Right now I have one IB class which is Pre-Calc/Trig, which is apparently a college class says Mrs.Reed. I had a C at the time of last thursday and my mother was going BALLISTIC. Being all "You really think you could handle a 6-period IB diploma crap when you can barely B+ your way through ONE IB class? How do you expect to succeed in life? How do you expect to succeed in anything when you overwhelm yourself with too many priorities and meet too much people? and etc."
I see where she's going at but goodness, making me feel bad about myself isn't going to help me, it's going to make me feel like I"m a complete failure. Geez, encourage me instead. I really want to get the IB diploma. Why?
-It's challenging.
-Highest level of education by far in HS.
-Prove to my parents that I could do this.
-Won't have to drive and have car insurance and blahz.
-Be able to still have a HS experience.

My Mum and Dad planned out everything for me already though.
Maria Nikki Molina will get her Associates Degree in 2 year running start for nurse at Highline CC. Then after graduating will be working as a nurse somewhere while attending school at UW for three years to be a physician's assistant.

Wow. All I can say. Like I had a say in it. How can they tell me for the first 15 years of my life that I have to be the best, that I have to reach for the top, put my 150% in everything, never give up, don't quit if my life depended on it! And then sink me down to lower standards. No offense to everyone. It makes me feel like I need to lower my standards on everything that I"m doing and it pisses me off. Why do they think they run my life when they don't even have an idea of who what I do? That's why I inform them on everything that I'm doing, who I'm talking to, where I'm going. I love knowing that my parents know. I think that a lot of kids come to an age where they wish for their parents' attention more than from anyone else. I am at that point because I'm growing up. I can't even list the many differences in myself than myself from last year. I'm still the same person, like same personality, same face, but the way I see life and the things I see are different still changing.

There are a lot of things that I want do in my life. I promise to continue to strive to be the best, and do my best.

So freaking hot.

OH MY GOSH.
Why is it that I feel like I've done nothing all summer but work, work, work, go here, go there, go here, go there? Hmm, maybe becuase that's all I've done. Freaking A. I will kill someone. It is so hott. I'm relieved that the INC Day prep is done, but now I have nothing to do.

You like her, You don't like her.

It's like picking flower petals off a flower. Can you believe we used to do that as kids? I remember I used to determine whether I actually liked the guy from doing that. Today it's more of a feelings crap and all, jkjk! Haha.

She really pisses me off. You know, I love her and all, but sometimes she can really get on my nerves. She's blood and way more mature than me, but that doesn't give her the right to own my life. Well, she is my Mother. But I mean like, do parents make your decisions or help YOU make good decisions? Or do they run your life, or help you live a good life?

Mum knows best, right? I think. I LOVE HER. I SERIOUSLY DO. But just, goodness, when she stops me from doing things I want to do, it makes me really frustrated. I'm not trying to sound like a brat like I want it my way, this way, that way, or being some little stubborn daughter, just the things that I want to do is for the best of someone else. I don't ask of anything really unless it's totally irrevelant towards me but still puts me in control.
i.e. I asked her if I could go on trips to other universities or colleges with the Filipino Board in the state to check out the other Filipino communities, associations, and clubs. She totally freaked. I think it's 'cause I used Gonzaga University as an example. Right now, she's against me being friends with anyone in Spokane, wthail? Anyways, back on topic. She went BALLISTIC! She started saying "What's the point of that? There's no direct facts that show you need to be there? There's email, phone, text, some other kind of communications, you don't have to fly there. Nikki, I don't want you making anymore mistakes like you made in Freshmen year. The prize is straight A's, Filipino Club is just some extracurricular activity, and blahblahblahblahblahblah."

Honestly, Filipino Club is the first time I've been able to make a difference and do what I want to do for a change. The kids of this club are very important to me. I can't handle people messing up my vision that I want to put to action. I have probably only wanted one thing; to make a difference. I want to be remembered as a girl who made change, and good change for that fact. But honestly, I can't do that because there are too many obstacles in the way. I have way too many other priorities. Mum asked me what my goals are because I'm suppose to follow them. I replied with a simple answer of "getting into a good school", and she asked me to repeat myself. All I want to do is be accepted to a school who wants me because of who I am and what I've done. Not because of the grades, or my background, or ethnicity, or scores, but because of the achievements, success, blood, sweat, and most definitely stress I've been through in order to do what I've done in my life.
It is true that this is a lot to think of at the point of being a sophomore and 15 years old, but you know what? Go ahead and underestimate me because in the end I will show you and you will see. Sighs. I'm getting out of hand. I hate the cycle of the month. My mind's been restless with thought, plans, and blahz.

To You: I miss you, lovee. Stop looking and being shy, be a man and take your word that we would not be awkward towards each other. Gnite, and know that I love you.

Always to You, po: Thank you for raising me, for blessing me, for giving me this life, for showing me the path, and sculpting me into who I am.

W.W.H.A.P. T.H.E. O. W.I.T. W.W.A.

Alright.
Okay.
Uh huh.
Mmhm hmm.
Yeshhh.
Whatever.
Nevermind.
Gay.


KK, this post isn't going to be as calm as the rest of them have been in My Mind. It may be more of a vent, or a scream, or a let out before my brains are shot and splattered across the wall.

We have lost the names of what we gave ourselves; F6. How did we lose it? When we were young and naive, we had a leader. Well, she denies it, but she was sorta a leader. Maybe she was looked as the leader because it you ever pissed her off she would totally shunned you until you got on her knees. Today, you are still like that, dear... That's why you have lost Smiley, and Trees. You don't want to fix things with either of them but I have finally gotten you to see into your senses about Smiley... It's okay for me and Aims to fight, we're connected by birth. If I never wrote that response to her, I would never have talked to her. Today, Aims and I are okay, sorta on same ground. The difference between Aims&I relationship verses Yours&AnyOther is that Aims&I are easy to forgive and forget. ALTHOUGH YOU ON THE OTHER HAND MY LOVE, you wish for them to beg on their knees, cry, ask, ask, and ask for your forgiveness. Sighs. Some day soon you will read this. 2 out of the F6 not including me will read this.

Don't you miss us? Don't you wish that things could go back to how they used to be? Why do you have to be "I really don't want to fix this", or "It's whatever, she changed so I can't really do anything about", or "God, we broke up like not even a week ago and she's already on his a**", or "She was my best friend! How can she be talking all that s***?", or you know. This doesn't just apply to you, I know that. It applies to all of us. F6 was a friendship of unbelievable memories, treasures moments, and the highest happiness we could have ever felt. You say you miss it, us, all of it, but have you really proved it? Smiles and I used to cry about it but she doesn't want to think about you anymore because you're the one to tripped about everything. You didn't even ask her when you thought the worst of her if she was okay. I asked her! And even if she kept blocking me, refusing me, wouldn't look or talk to me, I still tried. Since then, Smiles and I are TIGHTTT.
Even with you, Adores... Whenever you were mad at me I would still be in your face asking what the heck is up. Except that one time a couple weeks ago at the Gem... Because I was shocked of taking in the information that you were mad. I was beyond shocked Adores... WAY SHOCKED. Smiles was like "Wow, why would she mad at you" I was just like "AUGHS! What happened now???" I'm too scared to ask Aims but lately things are good between her and I so HAKUNA MATATA.

You know what sucks though???=[ EL is stuck a million miles away from us and has no idea... She thinks we're still the F6. Smiles and I were talking about that on Wednesday in Lizard's room. EL may think we're all like PB&J, or what not. She probably follows our motto, too... Please, Adores... Know that I love you. But it's hard if you're refusing to hear what others have to say. Or hear the other end of the conversation. You may feel alone, but there are still those who are hear to listen, and have open arms, even if they may hate you just a tad...

We Will Hope And Promise
To Help Each
Other
Wherever In The
World We Are.

MNM_Confucious

Confused. Will be for awhile.


"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
-M. Scott Peck.

Stress Level

I've been pretty good lately. I've been getting all my homework done and feeling more confident. In class, I pay attention more and my focus is devoted to the teacher 97% of the time. I wonder how someone could be so stressed. When you're stressed out it effects all around you; social status, family life, and health. The way you process and live through the day is more slower and harder. I'm glad to be getting better now.

New Goals:

-Improve my writing skills.
-Read more.
-Overachieve.
-All A's before the quarter ends. [this week=]
-8 hours of sleep.

Lately I've been thinking of taking more advanced and added classes. I was thinking of taking an extra math class online. I'm excited for it, but pretty worried about all this crammage. I hope to be in accelerated classes than I arleady am. I have very high expectations for myself. Hopefully, I reach them.