A Break.

Finally, I'm getting ready to leave for the airport at 9:30, and my flight leaves for Maryland at 12:30. Goodness, my first university interview is on Tuesday at 1:30 with John Hopkins, and then I have a UPenn tour on Wednesday. I'm so up for this! Not just that, but I'm ready to leave this state and these people (no offense) and just relax finally and be able to get some space.
Last night Devere and I got in a fight, what a dork. He freaking can't keep up with me, and it's starting to really annoy me. We were going to plan to talk at least for a good morning, and good night every day or so, but he pissed me off last night. He just doens't get it, and I'm not sure why. What guy doesn't want to show that he cares to a person he apparently loves? I'm tired of being on the tight end where I know what I want and what to do because it's what I want to do. I'm tired of being the lovesick puppy. I'm tired of being the only who loves someone in the relationship. I'm tired of wondering and guessing how the other feels. I'm tired of being the only one thinking about the other with tenderness and heartfelt manner. And I'm definitely tired of not being treated the way I need to be. It's not like I freaking ask for anything. Just miss me when I'm gone, and be excited when I talk to you, how hard is that? Goodness, freaking lucky to have is all I have to say. I don't follow my high standards, and I know I could do better, but I'm with you because I love you and you're what I want right NOW.
I just wish these words would go through his head by now. As happy as he makes me, these small fights mean something to me. And I usually would forgive and forget by now, but something feels different. I'm much stronger now and realize that I'm a great girl who's pretty amazing. I may not be beautiful or extremely pretty but I'm an awesome person likes deep conversations, and stunning sceneries. I'm ready to leave my crazy hectic life, and live for eight days completely stress free. I'm really going to miss my friends and my comfy bed, but I'll come back anyways.

Time to pack the rest of my stuff. Goodbye, Seattle.

W/Love, M.N.M.

Basically.

It's been one week and a day into IB Diploma Junior Year, yet I still haven't bought my new diary. Gahz, I should've bought it long time ago for preparation. Anyways, I've loved it so far and the only downside is that I've been sick since last Friday night and so it's been almost a week. GAHZ. But it's okieeeee.

I'm going to nickname this one guy; Lala. Lala apparently likes me. But what the heck? He's so confusing. On the phone or on FB or text he's pretty expressive about himself. Then in person or having real contact, he just gets weird, shy, or just I guess awkward. And that makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't know. I also forgot what it's like to like someone who's a member and kind of long-distance. Though I didn't think it'd be this hard! If he talked to me at least every day for not even that long, and maybe left a text here and there I'd be fine. But I never know what's going on with him, what he's doing, or get to tell him what's up with me! Not trying to sound clingy but it feels so... Off. Why do I keep doubting myself that he likes me, I'm like nervous about it. I want to ask and confirm but I've already done it like six times. But I don't believe him... I guess I want proof. What is it though that I want to see? I don't want to hear anything, I want to see something. Maybe he come and see me, but he wouldn't do that. Or I don't know. Then I talk to all my guy friends so comfortably and this random guy who'll we'll nickname Inny. Ahaha, I like nicknames. I just feel like venting I guess. I'm hanging out with Inny tomorrow and I've only met him once which was for like ten minutes, and yet he's texted me almost every day since he got my number. And we're only friends.

LALA: I like you. And I miss you, but I don't know what to do with you because you make me feel nervous or something. I just want to hang out with you and talk to you at a consistent pace, but I don't know. I'll talk to you about this when we can.

Anyways gotta go read Ch.4 the Great Gatsby!

Love.

It's all around us is what I think. In the eyes of my mother, the laugh of my dad, the walk in my brother's steps.

Today I was watching him, why is he so great? Although he doesn't do as much as I do (pointing the finger! haha), he tries his hardest. He's the most any young man could do for me, less than I hope for, but more than what I've expected from anyone. He's like a present wrapped in beautiful wrapping paper, and a shimmering bow on the top.

Today was one of the hardest days of my life. We'll call it MGM crisis.
How I responded: Screamed, yelled, acted on emotions.
How I should've responded: Locally I should've kept the embarassment away from my brother and dad. I should've not cried and instead responded in a calm mature way. Domestically I should've kept my tears in at service. I should've kept my math shut to Ka Gerard and smiled to keep my head up high.
Similar Situations: None.
My Opinion: I love her and I promise to pray to God to keep my strength that that'll never happen again. The MGM crisis lasted for 15 hours, and 45 minutes.

Half way done with my crisis project. I hate CWI. "Actually, just the teacher", says the student.

Take the Steering Wheel.

Why is it gone? Why can't I maintain that determination I once had? It's like I see the world in a way more different view. I'm pessimistic and think constantly low of myself. That drive to be good at things and succeed has disappeared. I can actually say that school is hard.

Why can I type on blogger and be at peace, but staring at this stupid graphic organizer I'm so confused. Why do I have a mind that's freaking retarded? God d*****. Whatever.

It's fine.
Is fine even an emotion?

Freaking Riztarded.

Unbelievable. We pulled in the parking lot, and they pressed the button which clicked the camera which flashed.

If only, if only.
If only I wasn't sick today and went to school.
If only I took better care of my body and myself in general before worrying about everyone else's sakes.
If only I woke up earlier and called Emerson earlier.
If only the 10 o clock block wasn't my phone and I would've gotten Jayson's text msg.
If only my dad didn't brush his teeth, change his clothes, check if the house if secure, saved his time without yelling at me for about 5 minutes on how I'm rushing him and am irresponsible for not having anyone remind me earlier.
If only I wasn't me.

Nice Start, Horrible End.

Great Start:
Today was the ALPSA sponsered 2009 Student Summit on Cultivating Success; Being a leader in a changing world. I woke up at 6:50 to Ally's text msg and got ready and left with Sandisan to the school. Our bus left at 7:30 and we were on our way to UW. It was a really great program. We had breakfast, a kick off sesion, then 3 workshops, lunch, and finally a career fair. I learned a lot of beneficial things, but also some useless material. The whole summit was really fun and interesting. It was a creative learning experience. TU3 had our reuniting day and it was a-we-so-me. Haha. I missed Him all day, but it's okie. Ahhhahahahahaha. But anyways, TU3 took pics with each other and others. Fisher and Andrew are pretty tight haha. Took a nap on the bus ride home around 3:10ish. David took the three of us home. Watched friends and ate Mum's Shepherd's Pie. Went to gym w/Sandisan, then went to Choir Practice. Met Mama B's new guy! He looks cute and sweet, finally a keeper haha. Went home to fold 2 1/2 baskets of clothes that I washed and talked to Giemgiem while I was folding. Awh, I've missed her so much!
I called ChocolateRain after clothes and we talked for like 20 minutes until I practiced my Organ for half an hour like Mum asked me too.

Horrible End:
I call ChocolateRain back, dad comes in 3 minutes later and goes "Where's the phone?" I go "Right here". He takes it. "Dad, it's 10 o clock. And I'm getting off around 11 anyways like Mum asked" "Just give it, all you do is talk on the phone all day and night" I gave it to him. I started bubbling inside. They said that I could keep my phone as long as I have good grades. They always randomly take it. Then I have the stupid freaking 10 o clock block anyways where I can't call or text anyone. What more do they want? I barely use the freaking regular labtop to do what other kids do like stupid Myspace and average Facebook. They don't see me playing gay video games or screwing around doing nothing useless. They always tell me I waste my time on stupid things and dedicating my time to stupid people. It's like they compliment me but in a terrible way.
"Nikki, you're such a nice person but you're not smart for letting others take advantage fo you"
"Nikki, why are you doing a favor for someone who hasn't even talked to you in several days? You're such a giving selfless brat."
"Nikki, you'd rather help everyone else then give a fudge about yourself."

You know what? I'm tired of people like them telline me who I am. Because obviously, I know what my faults and merits are. For goodness sakes, I didn't become some independent weird unique freak for nothing. I sick of not only my parents, but other people whether they're my close friends or not even a friend, judging me and telling me things that I already know but saying it in their voice. I'm sick of always saying yes and doing waht I'm told. I thoguht being dedicated, considerate, and giving were good traits? Apparently they're not if this is the way I feel.
My stupid boyfriend is always being so sweet and kind and as trying his hardest to help me when others would never. Goodness, I told him to stop. Why? Because, I don't ask for help or favors. I asked why does he have to be like this? He said "Because it's the way you're suppose to be treated. Stop being so stubborn, geez." I'm fine doing things on my own, well, it depends on what I guess. I'm the one everyone apparently depends on. Because I keep my promises and do waht I'm told and help as much as I can. If someone calls crying or needs help with a problem, I'm there. But if I'm the one crying or having the problem, never could I say a word.
This is all due to my abnormal stubborn weird self. Sighs. If only, if only. I love how people know me, that this is just they way I am whether or not I like, and still piss me off.

Note to You:
I live under your roof. I tell you everything. I work so you don't have to pay. I get good grades so you only have one child to worry about. I never lie to you so you can trust me. I do my best in everything so you'll never see my worst.
I love you so you'll love me.
Gnite, Mum&&Dad. I'll pray tonight to lessen my anger and find ways to make it up to you.

Postings.

I just overlooked all my entries this year compared to last school year, and last year I was more in depth with what I was going through and what was in "my mind". Why is that? DANG, last year I was hecka stressed out. I still am right now, but I now know how to handle it other than the last years of my life. I've started about 4 entries in the last 2 days but wasn't able to finish them or have the courage to post them up. Now, I will express what's in my head.

Last Thursday, my Mother and I got in an argument in whether I should be in IB or do Running Start. I have nothing against any of the two programs, but I really don't know what to pick. IB provides a huge beneficial learning experience for me and is basically Tech Academy but on paper. Right now I have one IB class which is Pre-Calc/Trig, which is apparently a college class says Mrs.Reed. I had a C at the time of last thursday and my mother was going BALLISTIC. Being all "You really think you could handle a 6-period IB diploma crap when you can barely B+ your way through ONE IB class? How do you expect to succeed in life? How do you expect to succeed in anything when you overwhelm yourself with too many priorities and meet too much people? and etc."
I see where she's going at but goodness, making me feel bad about myself isn't going to help me, it's going to make me feel like I"m a complete failure. Geez, encourage me instead. I really want to get the IB diploma. Why?
-It's challenging.
-Highest level of education by far in HS.
-Prove to my parents that I could do this.
-Won't have to drive and have car insurance and blahz.
-Be able to still have a HS experience.

My Mum and Dad planned out everything for me already though.
Maria Nikki Molina will get her Associates Degree in 2 year running start for nurse at Highline CC. Then after graduating will be working as a nurse somewhere while attending school at UW for three years to be a physician's assistant.

Wow. All I can say. Like I had a say in it. How can they tell me for the first 15 years of my life that I have to be the best, that I have to reach for the top, put my 150% in everything, never give up, don't quit if my life depended on it! And then sink me down to lower standards. No offense to everyone. It makes me feel like I need to lower my standards on everything that I"m doing and it pisses me off. Why do they think they run my life when they don't even have an idea of who what I do? That's why I inform them on everything that I'm doing, who I'm talking to, where I'm going. I love knowing that my parents know. I think that a lot of kids come to an age where they wish for their parents' attention more than from anyone else. I am at that point because I'm growing up. I can't even list the many differences in myself than myself from last year. I'm still the same person, like same personality, same face, but the way I see life and the things I see are different still changing.

There are a lot of things that I want do in my life. I promise to continue to strive to be the best, and do my best.

M.I.A. in Blogger.

What's old? What's new? What's there? What's here?

Finally I can be on the computer for a stable time. Ahaha. Summer of '09, interesting days. Church for the whole full month of July, stuck on Filipino Club and blah. HOLD UP! HOLD UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! All I ever type about on blogger or whatevs is always about what I'm all worked up about. Geezies. I guess what real question is...


What's on my mind? What are my worries? What am I feeling right now?

1.Right now I'm pretty pissed. How can he think we can be friends after everything's that happened? It's not that I have feelings for him, but he's literally one of my bestie guys, and it always feels like I'm the one who cares for the friendship more. I guess it's just gay between us cause he's an ex and all, but still! I've never been this weird with an ex, so why should he be different.

2.Freaking dangit, she pisses me off. She's so annoying but she's my best friend. I love her but the smallest things annoy me. How can she part of my life, if I'm barely in hers? What the hail? Motherheifer, and she lives up the street.

3. ---------------------

Nevermind. Way too personal stuff that only AB can know. Gahz. Wow, I take friendships way too seriously. Haha. SCHOOL NEEDS TO START NOW!

So freaking hot.

OH MY GOSH.
Why is it that I feel like I've done nothing all summer but work, work, work, go here, go there, go here, go there? Hmm, maybe becuase that's all I've done. Freaking A. I will kill someone. It is so hott. I'm relieved that the INC Day prep is done, but now I have nothing to do.

W.W.H.A.P. T.H.E. O. W.I.T. W.W.A.

Alright.
Okay.
Uh huh.
Mmhm hmm.
Yeshhh.
Whatever.
Nevermind.
Gay.


KK, this post isn't going to be as calm as the rest of them have been in My Mind. It may be more of a vent, or a scream, or a let out before my brains are shot and splattered across the wall.

We have lost the names of what we gave ourselves; F6. How did we lose it? When we were young and naive, we had a leader. Well, she denies it, but she was sorta a leader. Maybe she was looked as the leader because it you ever pissed her off she would totally shunned you until you got on her knees. Today, you are still like that, dear... That's why you have lost Smiley, and Trees. You don't want to fix things with either of them but I have finally gotten you to see into your senses about Smiley... It's okay for me and Aims to fight, we're connected by birth. If I never wrote that response to her, I would never have talked to her. Today, Aims and I are okay, sorta on same ground. The difference between Aims&I relationship verses Yours&AnyOther is that Aims&I are easy to forgive and forget. ALTHOUGH YOU ON THE OTHER HAND MY LOVE, you wish for them to beg on their knees, cry, ask, ask, and ask for your forgiveness. Sighs. Some day soon you will read this. 2 out of the F6 not including me will read this.

Don't you miss us? Don't you wish that things could go back to how they used to be? Why do you have to be "I really don't want to fix this", or "It's whatever, she changed so I can't really do anything about", or "God, we broke up like not even a week ago and she's already on his a**", or "She was my best friend! How can she be talking all that s***?", or you know. This doesn't just apply to you, I know that. It applies to all of us. F6 was a friendship of unbelievable memories, treasures moments, and the highest happiness we could have ever felt. You say you miss it, us, all of it, but have you really proved it? Smiles and I used to cry about it but she doesn't want to think about you anymore because you're the one to tripped about everything. You didn't even ask her when you thought the worst of her if she was okay. I asked her! And even if she kept blocking me, refusing me, wouldn't look or talk to me, I still tried. Since then, Smiles and I are TIGHTTT.
Even with you, Adores... Whenever you were mad at me I would still be in your face asking what the heck is up. Except that one time a couple weeks ago at the Gem... Because I was shocked of taking in the information that you were mad. I was beyond shocked Adores... WAY SHOCKED. Smiles was like "Wow, why would she mad at you" I was just like "AUGHS! What happened now???" I'm too scared to ask Aims but lately things are good between her and I so HAKUNA MATATA.

You know what sucks though???=[ EL is stuck a million miles away from us and has no idea... She thinks we're still the F6. Smiles and I were talking about that on Wednesday in Lizard's room. EL may think we're all like PB&J, or what not. She probably follows our motto, too... Please, Adores... Know that I love you. But it's hard if you're refusing to hear what others have to say. Or hear the other end of the conversation. You may feel alone, but there are still those who are hear to listen, and have open arms, even if they may hate you just a tad...

We Will Hope And Promise
To Help Each
Other
Wherever In The
World We Are.

MNM_Confucious

Confused. Will be for awhile.


"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
-M. Scott Peck.

Of the heart.

Why does it have to be so complicated? Why couldn't there be a book where they tell you who you're suppose to be with so you would've have to mess up your life searching for that one person. I mean, do soulmates really exist? I'm so scared. I'm a hopeless romantic yet I'm not that good in relationships. If I was, wouldn't I find myself happy right now giggling thinking about him? But I'm not.

Right now, I'm confused instead.
I don't know what love is. I don't think I'll ever. I want to give up on it. I wish I could. But I can't. Love is everywhere. All forms of it is found in the air, the sky, in the faces of the poeple around me, even in the words of those who don't even speak to me.

I wonder if he really is out there; Mr. Wonderful. What do I know? I'm just M____ N____ M_______. Nothing to find here but one face, several truths, and change that will affect this world.