Whatever Happens From Here.

I'm extremely nervous. I know I have to leave, and soon.

For some reason, everything with him feels so perfect. And that pisses me off. It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to like him this much, want to be with him at all, and want to make time for him. This was supposed to be my time to just chill and stop getting hurt. Although he hasn't hurt me, yet, I know that it's going to happen one way or another.

I should've avoided this situation long ago. He is too wonderful.

Tim Hill, I'm sorry for everything.

To give up or not to give up.

Today I was reminded of what I've been fighting for since October 20th, 2009th at 7:33 a.m. We were so close, close to just giving up. But Laurie's comment to keep on fighting like rejuiced my head. Sighs. I hate her. We sat in sushi right after school and it was like he overhead my convo with Laurie that he wanted to give up and all. I won't go into detail, but we decided to still take a chance. It seems like no matter how close it feels to end, it's always just another beginning or chapter in our super funny relationship. Once I told him was Laurie said, he got up, put his arm around me and told me he loved me.
Freaking loser. Made my heart melt. He asked me, "Did u miss our hugs?" I said "No" He asked like three more times and I kept laughing saying no. He asked me, "Did u miss me?" I said "No, only for one day which was yesterday when I was on the plane because of the stupid lovey dovey movies." He laughed. We got kicked out of Sushi place and so we walked to Quizno's to just talk more and all.
I told him I didn't want to jump into anything so quickly because I'm still traumatized from the week away and I just need to take babysteps. He asked to hold my hand, I laughed and said "No, you're crazy." Hahahahhaa. Seeing him reminded me what I've been fighting to have this past year and a half; HIM. I realize I never give up on anything. I don't give up easily unfortunately. I never broke up wtih guys unless I had a legitamate reason like cheating, lying, not working out because we're both just not feeling it, etc. Deveon and I just can't really find any big reasons besides God that could break us up. I really wish that something was wrong about him to me, but I just can't really. The only thing I really find unattractive would be his nose, the only thing I really find unappealing about his personality is when he cusses. Everything I don't mind or just love about him.

I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship because I'm busy, but really I don't think I could live being single. Freaking eff, I've been with guys for so long that not being in one just makes me fall right into the next guy. So annoying. But today when Deveon said out of his mouth "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think we can work out any longer." I really just fell in a pit of lions and was ready to stop altogether of being with guys. I mapped a plan while he was talking on ways to stay away from boys that could potentially like me, and ways to not like guys (cuz I'm pretty good at that), and excuses to avoid telling a guy I don't want to like him or be with him because I'm just done hurting ppl, and getting hurt. When I told Harold I'm finished, I really thought I was done with Devere, but I'm not. It's not because I love him, I'm staying because everyday has been a new experience and we've been side by side trying to overocme these experiences to be with each other whether love was illustrated or not. We've only said the "L" word once on the phone on accident, and once in person outside the bus stop after our afterschool date, and today when he said it even if I didn't say it back.
He may not be my Prince Charming, or my Knight in Shining Armor. But he is my Deveon, and I'm going to keep it that way right now. There may be someone better for me, but what I want right now is D and no one else. If I wanted someone else I wouldn't be with Deveon, seriously. Well, time to work.
W/Love,
M.N.M.

Three words describing my break: Better. Than. Yours.

Don't worry says the heart, and be strong says my head. This break has opened my eyes to many things I should've done different. Don't think I regret anything it's just I've done some things in my life that I should've done a different way haha.

There's something that the admissions interviewer said to me "Life goes on. You've got to learn to fail in high school and college before you embrace real life. If you're going to be a doctor, someone will die on your table. If you become a lawyer, you will lose a case. If you become a tax collector, someone will try to sue you. Some kids come here to Hopkins saying they want this, this, and this. My structured plan will be this, and I'm to be that in this. What they don't know is that college isn't the end for you where you can finalize your life, it's just the beginning. You've got to learn to fail in college before you fail in life, or else it'll just be more painful. Everything at first will be the most painful or great. Life just goes on."

Right now I keep thinking it's the end of the world, but it really isn't. It may be the end of the world in that one moment, but worse could happen. Always, worse could happen. I've got to stop bringing myself down and doubting the things and people then it will really be the end fo the world for me. There are so many perspectives of single objects and opinions, goodness. I've just got to stay understanding and control my emotions and bias. Well, back to watching korean drama.

W/Love, M.N.M.

A Break.

Finally, I'm getting ready to leave for the airport at 9:30, and my flight leaves for Maryland at 12:30. Goodness, my first university interview is on Tuesday at 1:30 with John Hopkins, and then I have a UPenn tour on Wednesday. I'm so up for this! Not just that, but I'm ready to leave this state and these people (no offense) and just relax finally and be able to get some space.
Last night Devere and I got in a fight, what a dork. He freaking can't keep up with me, and it's starting to really annoy me. We were going to plan to talk at least for a good morning, and good night every day or so, but he pissed me off last night. He just doens't get it, and I'm not sure why. What guy doesn't want to show that he cares to a person he apparently loves? I'm tired of being on the tight end where I know what I want and what to do because it's what I want to do. I'm tired of being the lovesick puppy. I'm tired of being the only who loves someone in the relationship. I'm tired of wondering and guessing how the other feels. I'm tired of being the only one thinking about the other with tenderness and heartfelt manner. And I'm definitely tired of not being treated the way I need to be. It's not like I freaking ask for anything. Just miss me when I'm gone, and be excited when I talk to you, how hard is that? Goodness, freaking lucky to have is all I have to say. I don't follow my high standards, and I know I could do better, but I'm with you because I love you and you're what I want right NOW.
I just wish these words would go through his head by now. As happy as he makes me, these small fights mean something to me. And I usually would forgive and forget by now, but something feels different. I'm much stronger now and realize that I'm a great girl who's pretty amazing. I may not be beautiful or extremely pretty but I'm an awesome person likes deep conversations, and stunning sceneries. I'm ready to leave my crazy hectic life, and live for eight days completely stress free. I'm really going to miss my friends and my comfy bed, but I'll come back anyways.

Time to pack the rest of my stuff. Goodbye, Seattle.

W/Love, M.N.M.

Fate&Destiny.

It doesn't matter. I've finally figured it out, bff. So after I got off the phone with you when we were talking about our love lives and Serendipity, I just sat down and thought. The only solution to your problem is get rid of both. If you have to choose between two guys, don't choose either of them. Because either one you choose to be with, you're going to hurt someone and hurt yourself at the same time. I know you love him, but just right now, you deserve to not be under stress. I keep telling you that unlike me you just need a guy who'll make things feel easy and wonderful. You're a lover, not a fight though which makes it harder (I bet people think you're a fighter ahha). Thinking back I remember all those things with Von. If he had come up to me anytime before Deveon and maybe a couple times during Deveon and had come out and had said "I love you, but you're happy without me" I would've most likely jumped into his arms. But that didn't happen, and for a reason. If you think fate is telling you that you belong with Kuya and not D, then don't follow it. What would be more trouble? Leaving D and coming back to J, or completely getting over J and staying with D? The answer is neither, the easier would be just getting out. You need alone time, or maybe a couple fun dates with D. I told you I don't care whom you choose to be with or what you do, just pick the choice that will cause less hurt. I thought I wasn't going to get over Von. Everyone thought I'd never get over him, and I probably still haven't but I just consider that I"m over him because I don't dream of lying in bed next to him, watching Korean dramas in his living room, our asian kids running around with glasses and booming laughs, but most of all I stopped dreaming of what it'd be like if he loved me the way I loved him. Bff, you'll get through this. You are one of the strongest ppl I know just like N, A, and J. Like I said, if this boy if your only weakness, find a way to defeat it. I love you so much, I just absolutely hate seeing you get hurt. Back to my life haha. Had Holy Supper and it was wonderful. I swear, being Iglesia is amazing, I love my church. It's the only place where I feel like my main purpose is. I mean I try to fit in everywhere else, but when I'm at church that's where it's at mahn. I finally feel like things with Alison are seeming a lot brighter. During mediatation period in the third Worship Service, I fantasized what it'd be like to call her and just talk. I started crying super hard and couldn't stop. Then I wandered off into NeverLand wondering what it'd be like if I didn't have my parents with me and I cried harder. I predicted life without Deveon, and I sobbed. I've finally found my fault and sin; I am too attached to the people and wonder of this evil and wicked world. I can still have my goals in saving the world and etc, but I've gotta put my duty and membership of my church above all. Life is bliss, but the Holy City is eternal life.

Over the Top.

I realized the problem with me; self-confidence. I never knew that not believing in yourself can cause me to lose myself. It's gotta start somewhere. I can say all the words it takes to lift myself up, but it always depends on the actions.

Actions speak louder than words.