To give up or not to give up.

Today I was reminded of what I've been fighting for since October 20th, 2009th at 7:33 a.m. We were so close, close to just giving up. But Laurie's comment to keep on fighting like rejuiced my head. Sighs. I hate her. We sat in sushi right after school and it was like he overhead my convo with Laurie that he wanted to give up and all. I won't go into detail, but we decided to still take a chance. It seems like no matter how close it feels to end, it's always just another beginning or chapter in our super funny relationship. Once I told him was Laurie said, he got up, put his arm around me and told me he loved me.
Freaking loser. Made my heart melt. He asked me, "Did u miss our hugs?" I said "No" He asked like three more times and I kept laughing saying no. He asked me, "Did u miss me?" I said "No, only for one day which was yesterday when I was on the plane because of the stupid lovey dovey movies." He laughed. We got kicked out of Sushi place and so we walked to Quizno's to just talk more and all.
I told him I didn't want to jump into anything so quickly because I'm still traumatized from the week away and I just need to take babysteps. He asked to hold my hand, I laughed and said "No, you're crazy." Hahahahhaa. Seeing him reminded me what I've been fighting to have this past year and a half; HIM. I realize I never give up on anything. I don't give up easily unfortunately. I never broke up wtih guys unless I had a legitamate reason like cheating, lying, not working out because we're both just not feeling it, etc. Deveon and I just can't really find any big reasons besides God that could break us up. I really wish that something was wrong about him to me, but I just can't really. The only thing I really find unattractive would be his nose, the only thing I really find unappealing about his personality is when he cusses. Everything I don't mind or just love about him.

I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship because I'm busy, but really I don't think I could live being single. Freaking eff, I've been with guys for so long that not being in one just makes me fall right into the next guy. So annoying. But today when Deveon said out of his mouth "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think we can work out any longer." I really just fell in a pit of lions and was ready to stop altogether of being with guys. I mapped a plan while he was talking on ways to stay away from boys that could potentially like me, and ways to not like guys (cuz I'm pretty good at that), and excuses to avoid telling a guy I don't want to like him or be with him because I'm just done hurting ppl, and getting hurt. When I told Harold I'm finished, I really thought I was done with Devere, but I'm not. It's not because I love him, I'm staying because everyday has been a new experience and we've been side by side trying to overocme these experiences to be with each other whether love was illustrated or not. We've only said the "L" word once on the phone on accident, and once in person outside the bus stop after our afterschool date, and today when he said it even if I didn't say it back.
He may not be my Prince Charming, or my Knight in Shining Armor. But he is my Deveon, and I'm going to keep it that way right now. There may be someone better for me, but what I want right now is D and no one else. If I wanted someone else I wouldn't be with Deveon, seriously. Well, time to work.
W/Love,
M.N.M.