This year was planned out perfectly. Focus on grades, no boys, and less on the being known factor. Things NEVER go the way you usually plan. Now here I am in a whole different position; boyfriend, stressing, and running for freshmen president. I never knew how to stress until now. My resistance to friends and boys was hard to balance out. The priorities of my life are all being thrown at me simultaneously. I mean seriously, I really wish I could watch how "Nikki Molina" lived my life.
In church I thought about how I'm not suppose to be with him for reasons that I can not perceive. He's made a huge impact on my life on the short time I've known and been with him. He makes me happy, but I'm not suppose to be wtih him at all for church purposes. He's amazing and I don't deserve him. I see so many things wrong with me and he sees so many right things that I don't like to point out. Is it that I'm being too modest? Or that I just don't want to be noticed? He wants to be there for me at all times and be the one I go to to talk about my problems. I'm not used to talking about that to any of my boyfriends because I never wanted to get attached or distracted or have the guy worry for me. The guy never had a complaint about it either because he didn't know what was going on. All my boyfriends have been losers and jerks. I never got time to actually take the time of seriousness. Except with one guy, but I can't speak of him because it hurts too much.
He's done so much and it means all a lot to me. I wish that I didn't have no cares or no worries. I don't even know what I'm staying. My heart's been a burden for the last 24 hours. I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. finishing up the IRP Project. Maybe I'm being confused because I'm so tired. My mind keeps spinning and my heart is pulled in so many directions towards all those who I care and love for. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the world. As if I'm trying so hard to lift up high the world's height above my shoulders.
I need to do something to clean up my life a bit.
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